A good way to tell what kind of person someone is, is to ask them their favorite Christmas movie. For example, if they say It’s a Wonderful Life, they’re a nostalgic optimist. If they say Jingle All the Way, they’ve only seen one Christmas movie. And if they say Die Hard, they are a dweeb virgin who heard Die Hard is a Christmas movie somewhere once and pocketed it in their virgin pockets for just this scenario. What people don’t know is that there are a lot of great Easter movies too! And while they don’t really tell you anything about a person, they do exist and there’s definitely five of them. So next time you’re looking at your Ayn Rand Swimsuit Calendar™ and notice “Holy hell, it’s Easter. I guess that’s still goin’?” pop in one of these classics and feel vaguely participatory!
5) Egg Caper 2: The Gang Has Risen!
This sequel to Egg Caper: Mission Eggcomplished is probably best known as the last film Paul Newman made before he died. The story, about a group of fabergé egg thieves who get the gang back together for one last go, is that of your standard heist movie. Tom Sizemore’s character Slippery Chet goes and seeks out the old gang, Hot Chet, Boring Chet, Negro Chet (in 2006, yikes!), Big Chet, Fun Chet and Real Chet, to go and get the world’s most expensive fabergé egg from the fictional Schmithsonian Art Museum. While Newman is tremendous as Old Chet, the film suffers mainly from inconsistencies in tone. For instance the scene when George Alexander’s Real Chet eats too much Easter candy at the Schmithsonian Art Museum egg hunt and poops his pants is hilarious, light hearted doodoo humor, but if you’ll notice in the very next scene John Leguizamo’s Boring Chet shoots a rival museum burglar in the face. The face! But seriously, RIP Paul Newman.
4) Easter: The Porn
The Easter Bunny is the pizza delivery man. The sorority girls don’t have enough money for the pizza. You get it. (If you don’t, they do sex things on camera.) It has very little to do with Easter. And even for a pornographic film, it’s pretty bad. For example, one of the girls is actually named Easter? Why? And then the movie ends with (what I think is a short sighted attempt at sponsorship) everyone just enjoying a Cadbury Creme Egg. Fully clothed. Huh?
3) Good Friday, Indeed
A sad fucking movie. Jesus. Tom Hanks’s only son Billy dies in a car fire he could’ve easily escaped from if he weren’t so poor. Then Hanks loses his job cleaning the church to a more handsome, younger man who has just a shitload of alive kids. Hanks’s last hope is for his son to rise from the dead on Sunday. Of course he doesn’t. God. Still 3rd best though.
President of the United States James Burgess has a terrible week in office. First, he goes to war with the fictional nation of Iranistan, gets caught giving the business to an intern, knowingly allows corporations to corrupt every major facet of American life, and now, of all the things, the White House cat Ribbons is missing! President Burgess, thinking the world would be better off without him, jumps off of the Golden Gate Bridge (the first of the movie’s many location inconsistencies). While his dead body floats in the water, the ghost of none other than Jesus Christ, (played masterfully by Kiefer Sutherland) guides the spirit of the President through what the United States would be like if he’d never existed. The twist: Everything was pretty much the same. Washington is still full of true human trash, the military industrial complex is in full swing, and even Mt. Rushmore (which is I guess, for budget purposes, next to the Pentagon?) has a 5th head–that of President Dukakis, who in this timeline was a brutal, power hungry Nixon-esque monster. President Burgess says fuck it and comes back on Easter Sunday anyway and kisses a young intern on the lips. Pretty good movie.
1) Lil’ Murphy’s Easter Story
Oh boy. This is the best Easter movie of all time. We all know the story: All Lil’ Murphy wants for Easter is a real live gun. His dad gets it for him because he’s a drunk. Then he accidentally shoots his own glasses off and the bullet ricochets into the Easter Bunny’s crotch! Then Lil’ Murphy says his signature line “Oh man, you got zinged in the wang!” The something about a lamp? I don’t really remember. Then Lil’ Murphy pistol whips his bully within and inch of his life. Hilarious!
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