It’s a new day, and according to Facebook, probably, unfortunately someone’s birthday. It’s not your mom’s birthday or your best friend’s… it’s Mark’s–that guy who used to give you his biology notes when you missed a class in college that one semester. Or Talia’s–your best friend’s ex boyfriend’s good friend who you had that one moment with at an Arcade Fire concert three summers ago.

Those bitches who are right on the cusp–those assholes you haven’t thought about in months maybe years yet you feel a compulsion to wish them an “ameeeeeezing b-day!” Do you monopolize on that ONE inside joke you shared or do you just flow with the standard happy birthday and insert their stupid name for emphasis? What in f*^%ing hell do you do!? Sorry, blacked out for a couple minutes there.

Here’s a little guide including all types of people and how to appropriately wish them a happy birthday on Facebook to take some stress out of your day and mine… I’m dying over here.

Past Co-Worker: Happy birthday Greg!! Hope your candles aren’t as tricky as getting that old copy machine to print more than 3 pages at a time LOL! I miss you everyday.

Present Co-Worker: Happy B-day Amanda!! Rage as hard as you want tonight, I’ll cover you manana hahaha, see you at 8 AM fml. But seriously though fml, not doing well.

Out of State Cousin: Happiest of birthdays Michelle!!! Just remember that blood is thicker than water and chocolate cake is better than carrot cake but neither mix well with horse tranquilizers hahahha whoops, hope your day is the best.

Friend’s Mom: Happy birthday Judy!! I’ll never forget those chocolate chip cookies you used to make me and Rachel after school and I wish to G-d I could remember anything from the year 2006, have a fun day!!

Ex-Boyfriend: Happy bday Adam!!! Praying your new girlfriend gets you an ugly ass cake to match her face, hope you have a nice dinner planned I’m truly incapable of love.

High School Friend: HBD Nathan! Hope you’re having a great summer lol, I don’t keep track of seasons anymore days just pass by, hope the day brings you a lot of joy!

Finally, here’s how to graciously accept the birthday wishes people have bestowed upon your wall:

Thank you guys so much for all the bday wishes!! Y’all are as sweet as a valium chased by several long island iced teas. Gonna board a Delta flight to Wyoming and “see what happens” lol, here’s to one more year and hopefully not a year longer!!


The Higgs Weldon is an online humor magazine with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was founded in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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