The Beginning is Nigh
By
November 9, 2017

I am floating in the void with a sign: The Beginning is Nigh! I would probably say that out loud, if there was anyone around to hear it. But there isn’t. So I stick with the sign. Still, I’m sure it’s coming. Something. I’ve had a series of prophetic migraines.

There is no one here to call me crazy or tell me not to loiter in front of their frozen yogurt stand. If there were, they would probably say, “What makes you think anything will change? Nothing ever has before.”

And I would tell them, “You didn’t even used to exist. Neither did my sign but I made my sign. I don’t know where you came from. I was all alone. And I didn’t have to deal with any edgelords back then.”

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe all this prophet of the future stuff is delusional. But I don’t have anything else to do except float here and tell myself I’m pretty good looking for an intangible entity. I imagine.

If something does happen (anything, really), I want whatever comes after to see that I had the right idea. I’ll look downright visionary, then, especially because everything else will most likely be small and non-sentient.

They’ll expect me to lead them, of course. I would if I was very tiny and not that smart and saw some great big handsome entity prophet. It’ll be a lot of responsibility but I’ll be reasonable about it. I won’t set any arbitrary rules.

Unless they deny I was here first. That would annoy me. I held the sign, dammit.

Also, I’m pretty certain that I do not care for circumcised penises or heterosexuals. But those problems probably won’t present themselves for a while.

I should come up with a name for myself. Something awe-inspiring but catchy. Like Gunther.

Hey! You scared me.

Nice beard.

Let there be what?


13.8 Billion Years Later

Goddammit.

 

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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