Now that it’s a brand new year and all the ugliness of 2013 is behind us, it’s time to look ahead at the bright future of ugliness that 2014 has in store. Here are some of the juiciest celebrity scandals of the year to come!
The Bill Murray Groundhog Day Incident
PETA and fans of the Harold Ramis-directed comedy classic alike will never forget, let alone forgive, the horrific events of February 2nd. While attending an annual Groundhog Day celebration in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, the film’s star Bill Murray shocked crowds when, upon the small woodland creature’s emergence from his hole, the darling of smart whimsical comedy fans everywhere leapt from his seat, grasped the groundhog in his hands and sunk his teeth into the animal’s throat, drinking its blood and scampering off into the woods. Though no audio recordings exist, multiple onlookers reported that the former Ghostbuster exclaimed, “Finally free!” before disappearing, never to be seen again. Multiple attempts have been made to contact Murray via his agent, but each time a know-it-all has been quick to point out that Murray famously has no agents and instead uses a private voicemail.
The Ellen Degeneres Karaoke Scandal
Following the 2014 Academy Awards–the quality of which remains impossible to determine through a sea of live tweets of varying sincerity–hostess Ellen Degeneres landed herself in some hot water when her performance of the Carly Simon classic “Nobody Does it Better” at Chiwetel Ejiofor’s post-awards show party was captured on a party crashers video phone. Despite remaining properly pantsuited for the remainder of the song, the long-time talk show host let loose a degree of hip shaking normally left out of her daytime television choreography, thus launching a nationwide discussion of her position as a role model for women in their 50s, noting the comedian’s roots as a simple sitcom star. Friends close to Degeneres say it is the most humiliating video released of her since the 1996 rom-com Mr. Wrong costarring Bill Paxton. Sorry–Bill Pullman.
The Tina Fey Dog Debacle
Patron saint of funny frazzled nerdy women everywhere, the 30 Rock creator and star landed herself in a world of trouble when she unleashed a bigoted tirade at an outdoor cafe in Brooklyn during a seemingly innocuous brunch. Fey reportedly asked for a newly arriving couple and their Pomeranians to be seated further away from her. Other diners reported that Fey repeatedly insisted that she was not a bigot and that it was just that the small dogs made her physically sick. She continued her tirade by referencing that she is a member of the “Allergic” faith and a theory referring to “dander.” Reports also indicate that the presence of the animals disgusted the writer/actress so much that her eyes began to swell and water. Former vice-presidential candidate and reality star Sarah Palin later spoke out against Fey, asking, “What kind of true American could have such a dislike for dogs?” before heading back to Alaska to shoot a bunch of wolves, probably.
The Leno Late Shift Part 3
Shortly after his second voluntary and mutually agreed upon departure from duties as host of The Tonight Show, Jay Leno shocked no one when he announced his reluctance yet again to retire from talk show hosting. Despite being a different network and a show that has only just started to exist, Leno successfully annoyed his way onto TBS, foreceably ousting Pete Holmes from The Pete Holmes Show. The Pete Holmes Show with Jay Leno immediately instituted fresh comedy gems such as “Petewalking” and began to draw the NBC-level ratings that Leno had promised. Unfortunately, with “NBC-ratings” in 2014 actually being lower than basic cable, the show was promptly cancelled and quietly replaced with The New Pete Holmes Show with Pete Holmes, a sitcom created by Tyler Perry. The last update on Leno is that he is currently in a struggle to wrestle back the title of Class President from his middle school, stating that he never willfully acquiesced the title but felt the school forced him out to go with someone younger.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!