The Best Man’s Toast at the First Human-Alien Wedding
By
June 7, 2013

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Trevor, but for tonight I’m the Best Man. We’re here today to celebrate Elizabeth and Yarlok, and so far the reception has been out of this world!

Yarlok and I were living together when he started dating Elizabeth. When he first told me he had met someone, I was thrilled. When he told me she was human, I thought, “Whoa, I didn’t know he swung that way.” But hey, you know what they say: Earth Girls Are Easy!

He was afraid to ask her out at first, but I could see that she was interested. I kept telling him, “Yarlok, for a guy who makes crop circles, you’re sure having trouble picking up her Signs! Now are you gonna call her or should I get Jodie Foster to make Contact?!”

So he called her, and now here we are at their wedding. The cynics would tell you that a marriage like this will never work. After all, they’re from two different worlds! Just look at them: one is a strange lifeform whose unpredictable behavior terrifies everyone… and the other is an alien!

But they made it work, even though it wasn’t always easy. They’d fight over the little things, like how Elizabeth would insist on watching The Bachelor when Yarlok wanted to kick back and watch the Arthonian Death Ritual commemorating the Equinox of the Second Sun with the fellas! Luckily, they were able to compromise and get really into Chopped.

In a little while Yarlok will abduct Elizabeth from this banquet hall and they’ll start their honeymoon. Things will probably get pretty crazy. Who knows, there might even be a little anal probing. I guess it’s a good thing no one can hear you scream in space!

So let’s raise a glass to Elizabeth and Yarlok. Here’s hoping your love lasts to infinity and beyond!

 

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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