The Biggest Issues in the Coming Election Year
September 28, 2015


We’re gearing up for another presidential election year, and things couldn’t look more hopeless. Voter confidence has never been lower, with many unable to find any reason to vote. The biggest reason for this is that the candidates are not focusing on the issues that the American people are truly worried about. Look, I may just be a simple midwestern man. But I do know this. If any candidate finally decides to tackle the following big issues, America might just start listening again.

1. China

Did you know that there are more people living in China than in the entire United States? The America I grew up in wouldn’t let that fly. We need a strong President to stand up and say, “Hey! You’re not allowed to have more than us!

2. Fracking

Fracking is a huge issue. The biggest issue is that no one has any idea what it is. I couldn’t tell you a single thing about fracking. I talked to three of my friends, and the best they could come up with is “oil stuff.” Tell us what it is!

3. Pants That Split At The Crotch After Only Having Them For Like 4 Months

Every day I hear a sad story about someone’s new pants splitting right down the middle as they go to get up from a chair or walk up some steep stairs. And yet, I don’t hear a single “representative” in Washington talking about these real problems. I put on blue jeans when I want to sit back and chill with the boys. But I can’t chill out with the constant fear of embarrassment. How am I supposed to feel safe in this country when I don’t even feel safe in my own pants?

4. My Neighbor Greg

Greg keeps parking in my spot. He knows it’s my spot. I’ve left him multiple notes. But he just keeps ignoring them. Every night I come home from my day of HARD WORK and he’s got his Jetta sitting in MY designated parking area. Why doesn’t anyone seem to care about this?

5. My Wife Has Been Gone For 7 Years

She went out for cigarettes and never came back. I should have known something was going on. She doesn’t even smoke. I don’t care who the president is. Whichever candidate finds my wife is President. Or not. Who cares.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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