From: Chief Sales Officer
Sent: October 23, 2017 3:12 AM
To: Sales Team
Subject: Snuggies Sales Strategy
Okay Listen Up,
I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you, this has been rough quarter for Snuggies. Now as you should expect, I’ve been researching ways to get ourselves out of this tailspin and found that Global Warming is getting worse…like much worse…and I. Couldn’t. Be. Happier. Due to changes in theenvironment we have the glorious opportunity to roll out some new products and change our sales strategy which will bring this company to the apex of the blankets with sleeves market (so long as you do your damn jobs). Effective immediately this is our new sales strategy at Snuggies.
The Arctic Adventure.
Increase the price. We need to jack the price of this wayyyy up. Snuggies has cornered the market of linens made exclusively of Siberian Polar Bear fur during the initial roll-out of this product, but I got word from our distributors that supply is becoming limited due to the persistent melting of thepolar ice caps. While the ice caps are heating up, this move will make us cold hard cash. So, tell you clients to get their paws on the Polar Bear now, before they’re all gone. And make sure you say paws, that’s brilliance right there.
The Light Fiber Snuggie
Discontinue. I know I hyped this one up big-time last quarter, but our facility in Indonesia has been deemed uninhabitable and shut down. Apparently, the ass-hat who designed the facility droppedthe ball by making a building that can’t accommodate erratic heat waves, which I don’t understand,the data I read makes it incredibly clear that 16 of the 17 hottest years on record have been in the2000s, I cannot comprehend how we can let that eat into our profit margin. Indonesia is about to get hotter for whoever is getting fired for this.
The Pocket Utility Snug.
Sell Sell Sell! I know it’s just a prototype but sell the living hell out of this one. The design team killed it by creating this weather-proof AND portable Snuggie, so don’t screw this up! I’ve been looking at the figures and the number of record high temperature events in the United States has been increasing, while the number of record low temperature events has been decreasing, since 1950. So, with weather changing on a dime nowadays; people are going to be want this bad-boy in their back pocket so that they don’t get caught in the sunshine turned blizzard turned moderate to severe tornado.
The Original Snuggie
Defer Sales. Obviously, we can’t just part ways with this pioneering product that brought Snuggies to the very top of the world of sleeved blankets; however, our market data is showing that snow cover has decreased over the past five decades, which means the window of cold periods where people will use this bad-boy is shrinking, so hold off on selling this one until December, it won’t be getting too cold until then.
Pitch. Because some of us actually give a damn about this Company, and will work into the wee hours of the night to salvage it, I dug into recent reports and discovered there is an increasing number of high-powered hurricanes. So, per my well-founded research, our sales team is creating a Snuggie packed with everything you need to survive that forceful chaos – its waterproof, its windproof, its a work of goddamn art.
Get working on this, if you ride this increasingly growing wave, this line-up can be your tickets to themansions in California that you’ve been desiring for years (side note: California has been on fire a lot lately, so buy one away from the woods.)
Chief Sales Officer
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