As I stand before you behind this podium with the seal of your magnificent institution emblazoned upon it, your school’s Latin motto a paean to knowledge and truth, I have much to say to those of you looking ahead to your next step in life. Wait…huh…wait…well, uh, has anyone seen a black wallet? That wasn’t what I wanted to say, but, I’m realizing…seriously, I can’t feel it in my back pocket. Standard black wallet. I don’t get it. I just had it here.

But, you know what, that’s not why I’m here. I’m sure I just left it at home. So, my first message to the graduating class is don’t forget that you come from this fine institution. You are proud Bears. Yes, cheer. Do so.

Boy, I am sorry. It’s just dawned on me that I definitely had my wallet with me when I entered the auditorium, because I remember seeing the “Go Bears” banner at the same time I checked to make sure I had my keys and wallet. Always like to be careful.

So, if I had my wallet there, then I must’ve lost it in the auditorium. Can you guys please check if it’s under or near your seating area? It would be very helpful, otherwise I gotta comb the entire auditorium when I’m done and, you know, I only have one set of eyes. Really appreciate that.

Dean, how big is this graduating class? Oh, that many? So, now, I guess around 8,000 eyes are looking for my wallet…plus, friends and family eyes. Ha, right?

Hey, should I cancel my credit card now, or wait for a bit? Because what if someone’s already stolen it and is out buying God knows what with my MasterCard? You know, I just…look, any luck? I mean, it’s gotta be here somewhere, right? No one?

Okay, okay, this is my problem and I’ll handle it later. And, I would note that personal responsibility is a good lesson for any young person to learn before embarking on post-collegiate life. Looks like I could learn the lesson myself. Ha, right?

And, with that, I’ll get to what I’m here to discuss. It wasn’t too long ago that I was sitting where you’re sitting. Hey, in fact, for a brief moment I sat in that section over there. Please could that section make a double check for my wallet. High probability it’s there. But, then again, with everyone filing in, my wallet could’ve easily been kicked into another section. Can everyone just take a second look. Just a peace of mind thing, really. It’s best to know for sure before I cancel my cards.

Okay, so nothing still. This’ll be a huge pain in the ass. I’ll have to get a new driver’s license, et cetera, but so be it. That’s a curveball, and if you didn’t already know, life will give you plenty of those.

So, forget about the wallet. Let’s move forward with the speech I prepared. I’d like to discuss one of my personal heroes, Winston Churchill. The key thing to understand about Churchill is that despite the indelible, strong person we know from the history books, he endured countless setbacks and managed to persevere. Oh, wait, did I see someone’s hand go up. Do you have my…? Oh, you were just stretching. Sorry.

Where was I? Churchill, right. Sorry, I must admit I’m distracted by this whole wallet thing. On some level, my whole life is in there. So, you can imagine, perhaps…anyway, I’m gonna need some notes to continue, if you don’t mind. Let me just grab them from my pocket…where is it? Oh, huh, this is weird. Turns out my wallet is in my front pocket. So, all good on the wallet front.

You can stop looking. I know you were all concerned. So, probably a gift for all of us. Who wants to hear about the time Churchill faced failure as a young man? What’s that, Dean? I should continue. No, wrap it up. I see.

Well, congratulations to the class of 2014. May you go forward and, uh, uh, not lose your wallets. As you can see, it’s a real pain that can lead to massive public humiliation.

Go Bears!


The Higgs Weldon is an online humor magazine with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was founded in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!