The following post is a submission from our March 2013 monthly writing prompt, Resumes or Cover Letters for Things That Aren’t Jobs.
Dear Stacey Nash,
My name is Liam Newman. I’m a Facebook friend of yours (one of 4,236) and I happened to see your recent online post about how all men are despicable creatures. I must admit, that statement irked me to no end, but then I continued to scroll and saw where your relationship status had been changed to single. And just like that, you and I were good again.
Since you appear to have an opening for a new boyfriend, I thought I might apply for the position. A few things about myself you should know… I currently live at home with my momma, but I am more than willing to relocate if the position requires it. I have seven years of experience in the boyfriend position, I’m self-employed (so I would have plenty of time to dedicate to you), and I have reliable transportation. Now, you’ve probably seen my Facebook relationship status and know that I’m involved at the moment. That is not a problem. The job is too demanding while the perks are few; therefore, if chosen to become your new man, I can have my two weeks notice turned in immediately and be ready to start May 16, 2013. Note: I am not a cheater.
I want to thank you for your time and consideration. My resume is attached so you can examine my qualifications in more detail. I look forward to hearing from you.
1617 3rd Ave. West Birmingham, Alabama 35208 Cell: (205) 413-9164 Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
I want to be the one who puts a smile on your face.
Dana Myers: Dated from March 2012 – Present
Responsibilities: babysitting her three kids (from previous relationships, not mine), paying her bills, feeding her and her children, cleaning, clothing her and her children, doing the laundry, handyman, and general duties*.
Sabrina Williams: Dated from October 2011 – February 2012
Responsibilities: lending money, attending church weekly, engaging in heated debates, dealing with her jealous-hearted girlfriends, and general duties*.
Latasha Blackwood: Dated from May 2006 – January 2010
Responsibilities: Engaging in heated debates, lending money, dealing with her promiscuous behavior, and general duties*.
*General duties: protector, chauffeuring, performing sexual acts upon demand, treating to nights out on a regular basis, listening attentively, giving massages, engaging in regular telephone calls, showing affection, being supportive when needed, communicating my feelings, constantly giving compliments
Seven years of dating experience
You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation – Deborah Tannen
The Kama Sutra of Vatsyayana – translated by Sir Richard Burton
Intermediate level chef, proficient in maintaining clean home, satisfactory in the bedroom (oral, missionary, and doggy style trained: other positions can be researched and delivered within one to two days), good with kids, not a cheater, good listener, chivalrous, good at remembering special dates
References available upon request.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!