The Courtship Resume
By
May 2, 2013

The following post is a submission from our March 2013 monthly writing prompt, Resumes or Cover Letters for Things That Aren’t Jobs.

Dear Stacey Nash,

My name is Liam Newman. I’m a Facebook friend of yours (one of 4,236) and I happened to see your recent online post about how all men are despicable creatures. I must admit, that statement irked me to no end, but then I continued to scroll and saw where your relationship status had been changed to single. And just like that, you and I were good again.

Since you appear to have an opening for a new boyfriend, I thought I might apply for the position. A few things about myself you should know… I currently live at home with my momma, but I am more than willing to relocate if the position requires it. I have seven years of experience in the boyfriend position, I’m self-employed (so I would have plenty of time to dedicate to you), and I have reliable transportation. Now, you’ve probably seen my Facebook relationship status and know that I’m involved at the moment. That is not a problem. The job is too demanding while the perks are few; therefore, if chosen to become your new man, I can have my two weeks notice turned in immediately and be ready to start May 16, 2013. Note: I am not a cheater.

I want to thank you for your time and consideration. My resume is attached so you can examine my qualifications in more detail. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely yours,
Liam Newman

 

Liam Newman

1617 3rd Ave. West Birmingham, Alabama 35208 Cell: (205) 413-9164 Email: lnewman@yahoo.com

Career Objectives:

I want to be the one who puts a smile on your face.

Employment History:

Dana Myers: Dated from March 2012 – Present

Responsibilities: babysitting her three kids (from previous relationships, not mine), paying her bills, feeding her and her children, cleaning, clothing her and her children, doing the laundry, handyman, and general duties*.

Sabrina Williams: Dated from October 2011 – February 2012

Responsibilities: lending money, attending church weekly, engaging in heated debates, dealing with her jealous-hearted girlfriends, and general duties*.

Latasha Blackwood: Dated from May 2006 – January 2010

Responsibilities: Engaging in heated debates, lending money, dealing with her promiscuous behavior, and general duties*.

*General duties: protector, chauffeuring, performing sexual acts upon demand, treating to nights out on a regular basis, listening attentively, giving massages, engaging in regular telephone calls, showing affection, being supportive when needed, communicating my feelings, constantly giving compliments

Education:

Seven years of dating experience

You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation – Deborah Tannen

The Kama Sutra of Vatsyayana – translated by Sir Richard Burton

Skills:

Intermediate level chef, proficient in maintaining clean home, satisfactory in the bedroom (oral, missionary, and doggy style trained: other positions can be researched and delivered within one to two days), good with kids, not a cheater, good listener, chivalrous, good at remembering special dates

References available upon request.

 

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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