Zach Pugh is a comedian and writer living in Los Angeles. Since graduating from Oxford in just 3 school terms, he has written 47 books ranging from crime thrillers to psychology textbooks. He has developed a serum to allow him to stay young forever, which means he will outlive all of his (currently) 16 children. This inevitability keeps him awake every night and prevents him from ever truly being happy… He’s currently working on book #48, a collection of poems entitled 187 On A Muthafuckin Cop.

They say that one of the most important jobs that you can ever have is being a parent. Obviously these people have never heard of doctors or scientists or the guy who cuts my hair. But parenting is still very important! There are hundreds of books about parenting out there, but I’ve found that none of them really hit the mark. Below is what I believe to be the definitive guide to raising children, based on my own personal experience.

1. Health

One of the biggest mistakes I see in parents today is that they are quick to assume the worst when it comes to your child’s health. Especially when the child is an infant, parents want to take their child to the doctor immediately at the smallest change in temperature. The best advice I can give is to take a couple seconds and breathe. Your child is spewing out sizzling black waste from its mouth? Clean it up and put a rag on their head. Your child’s eyes are rolling into the back of its head revealing red eyeballs that seem to literally be on fire? Turn the lights off to give those eyes a break from the terror of fluorescent bulbs! Your baby’s head keeps spinning all the way around its neck over and over? This is normal. And just remember that this is YOUR beautiful child, and they’re all going to have some flaws.

2. Discipline

As a child begins to grow older, many parents want to discipline their child for bad behavior. I have found that, while some discipline is necessary, too much can force the child to act out even more. If a child takes something that doesn’t belong to them, ask them nicely to return it and apologize. No need to make a big fuss out of it. Or say your child has been bullying a classmate. Sit them down and explain that bullying can really hurt someone in the long term, giving them a lack of confidence that carries over into the raising of their own child. Some children tend to act out by vandalizing. Writing things on walls like “666” and “The Beast Has Arrived” and “The Biblical Apocalypse is Nigh.” We’ve all seen our children write something like this down. It’s best to just let it go and chalk it up to kids being kids!

3. Entertainment

You will find very quickly that entertaining a child can be tiresome and boring. Soon they will begin to show signs of independence and will start to have their own interests. A lot of parents like to shelter their children from things that they view to be detrimental to their development. I subscribe to the theory that if a child likes something, you’re best to let them enjoy it. Your child wants to build makeshift crosses out of sticks and burn them in the backyard? Burn away. They want to watch television specials on the Devil and yell “daddy” at the screen? Watch away. They walk around the neighborhood reciting passages from the book of Revelations? Be happy to know that your child is reading at such a high level so early! So what if you don’t have a bible in your home? That means they probably went to the library! Everything is fine!

Obviously, every rule has its exceptions. But I promise that if you stick to this guide, before long your child will be the talk of the neighborhood! We all know that kids say the darndest things, so I’ll leave you with something my 7 year-old boy Christopher said to my wife and I just the other night:

“Globally, civilization is frail and very easily manipulated. Christianity speaks of a false messiah uniting the armies of nations in order to bring the apocalypse upon Earth. I am the one they speak of. And there’s nothing you can do. Everything you’ve ever known will be decimated as fire falls from the sky. I am the Beast. I am the Bringer of Destruction. I am the Omega. Can we have macaroni for dinner?”


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!

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