The Diary of a Teenage Lifeguard
By
July 22, 2013

July 8th, 2013

Dear Diary,

Today was Senior Swim Day here at the YMCA. A greyhound bus brought nearly forty old people to the pool so they could cool down their disgusting bodies. It made me want to vomit all over myself but I didn’t because I had just washed my bathing suit and didn’t want to clean it up. I’m kind of lazy like that, diary.

One of the olds named Hal strayed from the pack to ask me what the exact temperature of the pool was. I said I had no fucking idea and immediately apologized for swearing. He said it was fine and that he wished he had killed more fucking commies in the war. I’m not sure which war he was talking about but I agreed with him nonetheless. Pretty cool day overall diary, see ya tomorrow!

 

July 9th, 2013

Dear Diary,

Today was Free Swim Day at the Y. The Y is short for YMCA and something I can say because I am an employee. Anyways, guess who was there? NO, you’re wrong, it was Taylor Rich. I prayed he would be there and he was. He was wearing red swim trunks and no shirt. His arm muscles were prominent and I appreciated them. I watched him swim upwards of ten laps and I have to confess that I wished he would drown so I could give him CPR. Don’t judge me, diary!! I hope he and I are soul mates and he can save me from this lifetime (summer) of being a lifeguard.

 

July 10th, 2013

Hi Diary,

I spent most of the day thinking about what a hero I am. Taking time out of my summer vacation to protect others in exchange for literally nothing aside from money. My thoughts were interrupted only once by the scream of a small child which was annoying but I quickly got over it. Thanks for listening, diary!

 

July 11th, 2013

Dearest Diary,

Taylor Rich was back today! I’m not sure if he has a crush on me or just likes swimming at the only pool in town in this 95 degree heat.  I contemplated drowning myself on the off chance that he would save me but decided against it as Ralph Fuller was also in the pool and would probably come charging to my rescue and bring me back to life with his gross mouth. I’m gonna chalk this day up to a loss. Bye, diary.

 

July 12th, 2013,

Dear Diary,

I can safely say today was the worst day of my life next to the day my whole family perished in the church fire. There I was, sitting in my lifeguard tower minding my own business, paying attention to no one when a pair of red swim trunks caught my eye. Taylor Rich. He seemed to be waving…at me!!! I fixed my hair, gave a sultry wave back and smiled from ear to ear. My smile only started to fade when I realized Taylor wasn’t waving at me, he was waving at the perfect figure on the edge of the dive board belonging to none other than Garrett Matthews! It all made sense now. The red swim trunks, the time Taylor told me he was gay; Taylor Rich is scared of his love for me. And to that I say this, in the words of the great Miley Cyrus, “Have like no fear, life is a journey or something.” Please take this journey with me Taylor or I will end it. Sweet dreams, diary!

 

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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