The Existential Crisis of Wile E. Coyote
By
June 26, 2015

The Road Runner sat tied to a chair with a booby-trapped anvil hanging over its head, unharmed except for a few minor rope burns.

“Beep, beep, can I have some more water?” the Road Runner asked Wile E. Coyote.

Wile E. Coyote made his way to the Road Runner and poured water into the bird’s beak.

“Beep, beep, aaaaah. Thank you,” said the Road Runner, revitalized. “Beep, beep, hey, can I ask you something, Coyote?”

“Sure.”

“Beep, beep, what’s your plan here? I mean, I’ve been tied up here for three months and you’ve actually been pretty nice to me. I thought you were going to eat me, but, honestly, my earlier fear has turned into simple confusion.”

“Well, I also thought the plan was to eat you, too, but I got so used to eating all the Acme meals, I’ve kind of just stuck with those. The Tuscan Chicken is my favorite.”

“Beep, beep, I thought Acme just made munitions and such?”

“No, they bought out Stouffer’s and anyway…” said Wile E. Coyote, trailing off, sadly.

“Beep, beep, something wrong?”

“Hmm, look at this. The Road Runner is asking me, Wile E. Coyote, if something is wrong.”

“Beep, beep, we’ve all been there, buddy.”

“Buddy, huh? Alright, well, confession time then. I guess I thought catching you would fulfill all my wildest dreams, you know? It had been decades of pursuit and then I finally caught you using that bird seed and my sproing shoes… and, well, while there was initial jubilation, that has now turned into a sunken feeling I just can’t explain, you know?”

“Beep, beep, alas, you captured your white whale.”

“I don’t follow.”

“Beep, beep, did you ever read Moby Dick?”

“No, I just read the Cliffs Notes and turned in a crap paper for the gentle-canine’s C.”

“Beep, beep, do you recall Ishmael?”

“Like, the ‘Call me, Ishmael’ guy?”

“Beep, beep, yes, that guy. Well, he was trying to catch the great white whale – that was his raison d’ etre.”

“Sorry, I also half-assed French.”

“Beep, beep, raison d’ etre means your ‘purpose in life?’”

“And, you think you were my Moby Dick? I guess that’s not so silly. Sort of a thrill of the chase thing?”

“Beep, beep, exactly. Or, like the saying ‘It’s not the destination–'”

“‘…It’s the journey,'” finished a contemplative Wile E. Coyote.

“Beep, beep, yes. Indeed, most clichés are clichés because they are true.”

“I saw so much of the American Southwest chasing you. I really miss it.”

“Beep, beep, it’s gorgeous. No other part of the world looks like the Southwest.”

“Remember that time at the Grand Canyon, I used Acme Instant Road and Acme Road Grease and then tried knocking you out with that Acme Jack-in-the-Box with a Boxing Glove?”

“Beep, beep, oh, I remember that, alright. Almost had me.”

“Well, I regretted not getting you, but I’m just so happy I got to see the Grand Canyon at sunset.”

“Beep, beep, that’s loving the journey, buddy. It’s a bit of a paradox.”

“Yes, I suppose,” replied Wile E. Coyote, then pausing and staring off for a moment. “I guess I thought I had it all figured out. Catch the Road Runner, have a nice meal, life complete, but, I can’t help but feel there’s got to be more.”

“Beep, beep, it’s an existential crisis. We all have them, at least those of us who really look at the world.”

“You think there’s anything in the Acme catalog that could help with that?” asked a resigned Wile E. Coyote.

“Beep, beep, does Acme sell vodka? Kidding. Probably nothing in the catalog can help,” empathized the Road Runner.

“Hey, you want a sandwich… buddy?”

“Beep, beep, not one of those gunpowder sandwiches you tried to feed me outside Santa Fe,” said The Road Runner, laughing.

“No, just plain cheese, with some Acme Chipotle Mayo.”

“Beep, beep, Acme really has diversified, eh? Hey, now that we’re really talking what does the ‘E’ stand for? Always been curious.”

“Eugene. My grandfather’s name. I always hated it, but I went with the initial to honor his legacy. Guess you could say it’s a bit of a paradox.”

They both smiled.

“You know what? What if we worked up an appetite first?” asked Wile E. Coyote.

“Beep, beep, not sure what you mean?”

“I thought, a little game of hide and seek might be fun,” said a now suddenly playful Wile E. Coyote.

“‘Beep, beep’ is all I have to say to that.”

Wile E. Coyote untied the rope around the Road Runner and the Road Runner was off in a cloud of dust. Wile E. Coyote followed behind with an ear to ear grin.

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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