Og thank you for joining I at Big Rock near pit so I explain my position had earlier. Please help self to berries and leaves I gather. Og put them on flat stone I find. Me call “plate.” Please enjoy. No one want? Guess you like boar more. Ha, that rhyme. Me poet and Og not realize, ha! Wait, how about, “I poet and not know it.” Ha! Even gooder. No one get? Really? Og display wit. Wit? No one know what “wit” be? Ok, in long run, guess more berries and leaves for Og.
Og live long time here with you. You my friends, my family, my fellow bipedals. I are 25 and therefore near death. OK, back up. I do many things here in my 25 years on Pangea. And I teach you many things. Remember I tell you about calendar I invent based on patterns of moon and idea of “years” I invent along with? Recall? Moon is what most here call “not Sun.” So, I make calendar based on “not Sun” movements. But, I not go into and not digress on moon calendar yet again. None of you seem to use anyway.
I mean to say I spend whole life with you. We all just simple cavemen — OK, sorry, “cavepeople” to make Mog happy. Happy, Mog, you and other cavewomen included now?
Og point is, one of you I am. We not so different. But, I make change. Try and explain earlier in day and before, but no one get. Yes, Toogah, you take leaves. Good. Eat. You can eat leaves like me. Oh. Ok, you wipe butt with. Can do that, too.
Og get to point. As Toogah demonstrate, many of you think leaves for use on butt. That OK. But, I take position that I eat leaves and no more eat meat. See, I focus on vegetables like leaves and fruits. Not meat, which are muscles from non-bipedals.
I see looks of confused on you faces. Understand, Og OK with you choice, but Og not like you in all ways. I make own choice on eating. “Why harm innocent boar?” Og think. Yes, Bog, me see you. Og see you make gesture of stab. I get you just like stab non-bipedals for simple enjoy, but I no enjoy. Simple exercise of Og choice. Understand?
As I say before many time, Og vegetarian. Toogah, what that? OK, I hear. I appreciate you joke that you are “vagitarian.” Og get. You say “vagitarian” joke all times I say I vegetarian. Some find funny. You display wit. Well, that what it is, Toogah, even if you no call it that. It called wit. But, wit subjective. I no explain what subjective mean as it take all day, or as you say “before ‘not Sun’ replace Sun in sky.”
See, Toogah, you like female the way I like non-meat food. Do not mistake, Og like female, too. Trust me. Og frequently look at cave drawings of females to “sharpen spear” as we men say. Knew I get laugh out of “man tool” joke. “Man tool” jokes always big hit.
So, again, for millionth time, Og vegetarian. Note I just use word “millionth.” I use for reason — as with calendar, Og come up with counting method called “math” that better than 12 rock system Bog invent or 3 stick system Ub invent. Million a lot. Practically a million more than what allowed by Bog or Ub methods. Anyway, like with moon calendar, I no digress on math.
But, I now assume, after so many times Og explain, that you know I vegetarian. Toogah, again, like me say just moment ago, heard same “vagitarian” joke many times. No need to say yet again, for millionth time. Like I say, million a lot.
So, established, I not like eat meat. Now, I explain joke style, exactly what I bring you here for. Like I invent calendar and math I also invent new joke style. I introduce earlier today based on Og vegetarian eating ways. I invent concept of “sarcasm.” When group go hunt for saber-tooth tiger you recall, I say — sarcastically — “Yeah, I want go hunt for saber tooth tiger.” Get? Way I say, make funny. Sarcasm means one say opposite of what one mean in order for to be funny. See, all in inflection and tone. Did not mean I wanted to go hunt.
No one get? Sarcasm more simple than calendar or math. See, sarcasm like if I say now, “Can’t believe you geniuses all don’t get?” See, way I say funny. No, no, no, Toogah. I not show “contempt for masses.” Ub, you know I respect Ub. Well, yes, Ub, I do think my math method better than your 3 stick counting system. Yours only go up to 3, mine to infinity. That objective.
No, come on, Mog, I not use word “infinity” and word “objective” to “sound smart” and “act superior.” You wrong, Mog. Og make math concept to help all. I try help all with Og math, moon calendar, and advance joke form.
So, we now all calm? Oh, you approach. Want shake hands? No, you lift Og up. Yes, Og triumphant after showing you better ways. Wait, wait, where you take Og? No, not throw in pit with saber-tooth tiger. Og not interested in that. Og can’t kill tiger with no weapon. No, Toogah, there are no “leaves” in pit for me to eat, but now you get sarcasm. No, no, no! Put Og down.
OK, fine Og already 25 and will go soon anyway to meet both Sun God and Moon God in sky. Notice I did not say “not Sun” God, because Og identify moon unlike rest of you. And, throwing me in pit with saber-tooth tiger to be killed by tiger after I say I no want to kill tiger is good chance for Og to explain concept of “irony.” Closely related to sarcasm. Please, little more time for Og so Og explain irony. No, no, no!
Now, you never understand “irony…”
…well, Og looking forward to this, tiger. I can’t wait for you to eat me… and, there you go, ooh, ah, ooh, ah, ooh. Those sincere shrieks of pain. Oh, ah, ooh. Shrieks of pain not sarcastic. Well, excuuuuuse you, tiger. Ok, that last thing sarcastic. Ooh, ah, oh…
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!