The Frugal Fanatic
By
November 5, 2015

With the inevitable worldwide economic meltdown practically here and banging on the old steel-reinforced bunker door, it’s the perfect time to think frugal! Really frugal. Frugal with a capital Frug! I don’t want to pinch pennies; I want to water-board them, so I’ve assembled some great advice given to me by some of the other voices in my head.

Now, nobody wants to live like they’re poor but it’s better to live like you are poor than to actually be poor. There’s no sense letting your nosy neighbors know how much you make or how much you’ve stockpiled. Keep a low profile. Keep ’em guessing. To help stretch your budgeted dollars, here are some super ways to live below your means: 

Coupons

Yes, clipping coupons is the number one way to enhance your mealtime. Simply gather your coupons, add a little oil and vinegar, and you have a wonderful salad. 

Credit Cards

One must be very careful about using a credit card. It is a sure-fire way to wreck any budget.  So, once you run up the card and max it out, do what I do. Fill in the “change of address” form on the envelope and have it forwarded to Alaska or Rome or some-such-place and it’s “bye-bye bills!” 

Home Dentistry

Sure, we’d all like to go to a dentist once in awhile, but I’m no Bill Gates. Companies are constantly cutting back their dental coverage, so how to make up the difference? With a power drill, spatula, Silly Putty, tile grout and other common household items you can easily take care of most dental needs yourself. 

Join one of those “Save the Kids” programs

You’ve seen the commercials on late night TV, so sign your family up and let a family adopt you. These people are able to feed entire villages for pennies a day! Think of the savings to your budget if you could feed your whole family for pennies a day! 

Yard Sales

It’s an easy way to make money from things lying around the yard. Simply wait for your neighbors to leave the house, put up a couple of “yard sale” signs on their lawn, and boom, you’re in business. 

Xerox money

Thanks to amazing advances in digital technology and scanning devices, you can turn one dollar into many. With a few upgrades and a 3-D printer, you’ll be able to do pocket change as well. 

Medical Experiments

With all the uproar about using animals to test new drugs, pharmaceutical companies are begging for human guinea pigs and they’ll pay cash! It’s a great way to supplement income and maybe even help mankind, as if they deserved it. 

Be creative

Saving money doesn’t always have to be boring and serious. There are lots of fun ways to save money! Whenever you go to a theme restaurant, tell them it’s your birthday and get a free dessert. Order kid’s meals from the burger places then sell the toys on Ebay. 

Buy in Bulk

Thanks to price clubs and special bulk programs you can get excellent prices on items you need and have a supply that will last. I’ve been able to stock up on a fine assortment of canned goods, dry goods, firearms, ammunition and assorted sundries that will come in handy during the coming days of global terror. 

Cannibalism

Unless you’re some kind of freak-vegetarian, you’ll need fresh meat. And with so many transients around and more coming, it’s quite easy to rustle up some quality cuts. And tasty, too. It’s like having a Donner party in your mouth! 

I hope you find these tips useful. That old cliché is as true as it ever was: a penny hoarded is a penny earned. I truly enjoy sharing my tips, especially since it counts as community service. 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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