The Game of Cat
By
April 25, 2017

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Objective

To kill as much backyard wildlife as possible in 24 hours. The first player to acquire 100 points’ worth of carcass wins.

Equipment

As with any game of strategy, you will first and foremost need your wits and cunning. Players will rely heavily on their instincts, night vision, God-given stealth, and predatory drive. Particularly overweight players may find themselves at a disadvantage when climbing trees or squeezing through fences, however, all body types can have fun playing The Game of Cat.

Setup

Prepare for 24 hours of the best catting you’ve ever done. This is going to be an all-out throwback to your ancestors’ saber-toothed tiger days. Get off your ass and out of that sunbeam. Stop batting that plastic fishing pole with the dangly neon feathers. It’s go-time. Tell yourself that you’re a feline, god dammit, and you’re here to wipe clean the face of this backyard. Everything that crawls, flies, chirps, squeaks, reproduces, and breathes is yours for the taking. Show no mercy to the newborn. Leave none alive. The Game of Cat isn’t for pussies.

Gameplay

Gameplay begins when players are released into the backyard. Players will have 24 hours to acquire carcasses totaling 100 points. Players should manage their time appropriately.

Players must make certain that each animal is sufficiently deceased. Carcasses should be displayed on the welcome mat. The player should remain seated until the human comes to the door to discover/step on the corpses. Presentation counts! Alternatively, players with a pet door should display carcasses on the bedspread or pillowcase.

Players will announce their completion of gameplay with a series of yowling vocalizations. Vocalizations should continue until the carcasses have been properly received and acknowledged by the humans.

Scoring

Each of the following animals is worth 10 points:

sparrow
mourning dove
goldfinch
robin nestling
hummingbird
snake
chipmunk
squirrel
mouse
baby rabbit
mole/vole (The Game of Cat does not distinguish between the two. Nobody knows the difference anyway)

20 points will be awarded for escaped pets such as dwarf hamsters and cockatiels.

At the end of gameplay, points are tallied. The player with the highest number of points wins.

FAQ

How am I supposed to catch all these animals in 24 hours?

Come on. You’re a cat. This is what you do. And if you don’t, we suggest that you think about your strategy. Talk to feral cats when they come to poop in the childrens’ sandbox. Study the field of play in the days preceding the game. Note what times various species are active, and where they rest at night. For example, you might choose to lurk beside chipmunk holes and wait for the babies to emerge so you can slaughter them as efficiently as possible.

Are there any points awarded for tormenting the animal before I kill it?

No. 

But I really enjoy tormenting an animal before I kill it.

We know how much fun it is (we have a budgie in our corporate office for this very purpose when creativity runs dry). However, every moment you spend chewing on those baby bunnies’ heads is time you could be using to stalk hyperactive ruby throats.

Since the onset of my diabetes, I haven’t been as motivated as I used to be.

It’s not our fault that you’ve been free-feeding all these years. Gluttony is only permissible when it applies to the slaughter of curious rodents and tiny, naked nest-dwellers.

I don’t have claws. Can I play the game anyway?

You are advised not to play The Game of Cat if your owners have declawed you. We at Parker Brothers agree that it’s a barbaric custom. We believe you when you say you wouldn’t have scratched the new baby and that the tattered left side of the sofa happened in a moment of weakness and boredom. However, we strongly recommend that those without claws refrain from participating in The Game of Cat. Stick to chewing houseplants and knocking Hummel figurines off the mantle. 

I feel a little bit guilty for killing so much native wildlife, especially when I have no intention of eating any of it.

Eating does not necessarily equal digesting. Players may choose to eat their kills and regurgitate them on the duvet cover. (For the Game of Regurgitation, look for Parker Brothers “Yak Attack: The Game of Surprise.”) 

What should I do if members of the Audubon Society show up during gameplay?

These guys are trouble. Should anyone bearing an Audubon Society mark on their clothing or vehicle appear during gameplay, abandon your target and hide under the nearest porch. 

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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