The Hunchback of Notre Dame Is Interviewed for the First Time but Won’t Discuss His Hunchback
By
June 4, 2014

“Thanks for sitting down for an interview with the magazine. In fact, your first ever interview, Hunchback.”

“Please, call me Quasimodo.”

“Okay, no problem, buddy. I mean Quasimodo.”

“Thank you.”

“So, what’s it like having a hunchback?”

“Didn’t my publicist tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

“That I don’t want to discuss my hunched back during this interview.”

“I didn’t know. Maybe my assistant didn’t say anything. But, really, you won’t talk about your hunchback? It’s kinda your main thing, man.”

“The reason I’m here is to talk about my new children’s book.”

“Alright, well… hold on, so, you’ve been living in this chapel–”

“Cathedral.”

“‘–Cathedral’ for years, you barely talk to anyone besides this Esmeralda lady, you’re named ‘Hunchback of Notre Dame,’ you finally agree to be interviewed for the first time ever and you don’t want to talk about your hunchback?”

“Like I said, I am here to discuss my children’s book. I am a man of many dimensions. I don’t want to be defined by a sole physical characteristic.”

“Okay…”

“I hope you’ll respect my wishes.”

“Will do, but, frankly, no one gives a crap about another celebrity children’s book. They want to know about your back, buddy. It’s pretty hard to ignore.”

“I’m an artist.”

“Yeah, but if I interviewed the Elephant Man, I’d ask him about his face. You’d probably do the same. You see my point. I’m a journalist and I gotta do my job.”

“Well, the Elephant Man never wrote a book. And, my book is not just a children’s book, it’s a world into the lives we live that our kids can see and grow from.”

“Okay, well, what’s it out?”

“It’s about a kid who feels alienated by society because of his hunched back.”

“Come on! You’re shitting me. So you’ll talk about a book that’s about a hunchback but you won’t talk about your own hunched back?”

“Well, I feel this interview has become about how I won’t talk about my hunched back, which in some ways is now explicitly about my hunched back, and, again, my publicist expressly said that I don’t want to do that.”

“Okay…?”

“Look, I’m an artist. I want this interview to be about the art.”

“You mean, the art that’s about a hunchback?”

“Yes, I concede that it’s a bit confusing and hard to separate the art from the artist here, but please respect my wishes.”

“Okay, fine. If this kid in your book has a hunched back that’s like yours, then what is the kid’s hunchback like? But, please don’t answer if the kid’s hunched back isn’t like yours.”

“I don’t appreciate that question.”

“Okay, let me ‘back’ up. I’ve got a ‘hunch–'”

“Don’t even try. I’m a smart man. Using the words ‘hunch’ and ‘back’ in other contexts isn’t gonna make me talk about my own hunched back.”

“Huh, kinda just did.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Alright, well, talk about the process of writing this children’s book. Were you ‘hunched’ over a computer all day?”

“Actually, I wrote it out longhand first… oh, I see what you did. Look, can you respect my wish as an artist, or not?”

“Okay, well then, you plugged your book. We know what it’s about. Let’s move on.”

“Okay, fine.”

“Let’s do a classic ‘get to know someone’ question. What is the thing you are most self-conscious about?”

“Well, obviously, my hunchba–. No… my… my… French accent. I had to hire an accent coach to work on it.”

“Really, your French accent?”

“Yes, my accent. In fact, I wrote a great blog post about it on my new lifestyle website ‘quasi life dot com.'”

“You’ve got a lifestyle website?”

“Yes. Is that so strange?”

“Does your website mention your hunched back?”

“Tangentially, but I’m not going there. And, you’ve entirely failed to respect my earlier request.”

“That was a question about your website.”

“A question about my website that deals with my back… I can see this is going nowhere. Good day.”

“Alright, but before I stop the recorder, please, I just have to know. Have you ever seen an orthopedist or a chiropractor?”

“This interview is over.”

“What’s it like turning your back to me… you know, your back that is hunched? Wait, come on, let’s get ‘back’ to the interview. I wanna hear more about quasilife.com…”

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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