The Incredible Hypno-Meeting™
By
June 2, 2014

Dear Business Owner,

Are you the owner of a large or small business? There is some unpleasant news that you should hear:

You are losing money.

“But I perform a cost-benefit analysis every week, and–“

You are losing money.

“But I cut my employees’ health benefits by over–“

You are losing money.

Little known fact: the average business owner loses approximately one hundred million dollars every single day. How can this be possible? Ask yourself this question:

Are you making money while your employees sleep?

The answer is assuredly no. The average human spends a full three quarters of their life asleep. For the entirety of human history, this has been time wasted, spent doing nothing more than lazily reclining on a soft surface, cycling oxygen through a worthless, unproductive cardiovascular system.

No longer.

Sleep cannot remain a black hole into which employees sink your precious time and money. We offer you the chance to master sleep, to master nature itself, to bring you and your employees into the brave new world of:

HYPNO-MEETING

Obviously you must have some questions.

Cloud

How does it work?

Not through actual hypnosis, certainly! Hypnosis is at best a folk-science used by charlatans to seduce hill-folk.

Hypno-Meeting™ employs bleeding edge micro technology to implant an impossibly small microchip (roughly the size of a Jolly Rancher™ candy) directly into the patient’s cerebral cortex. By “plugging in” to a coordinated stem-cloud interface, one may communicate with coworkers and collaborate on important documents while sleeping. All work done during this time will be stored–along with any excess brain activity–on an information cloud for retrieval by individuals’ superiors the next morning.

hynochartprofitIs it Expensive?

It is a very significant initial investment. With current market projections, however, Hypno-Meeting™ is expected to pay for itself within one to two business days. What is more, after the initial investment, there will be no further costs. The implant itself requires no battery or maintenance. Instead, the implant taps into excess reserves of spinal fluid, which it filters for stray electrons. The filtered spinal fluid is then released safely via the sweat glandsSome test subjects have complained of a slight burning, metallic odor accompanied by this process, but the cause-effect relationship between the implant and the “machine sweats” has yet to be proven.

What does this mean for you?

It means no expensive battery removal/replacement procedure, and no maintenance of any kind–not that there is any technician alive who could perform such a procedure anyway!

Safe!Is it Safe?

As safe as any relatively new and experimental medical procedure!

Are there any side effects?

No side effects have been proven, although some early adopter volunteers have complained of a disparate series of possibly unrelated maladies including but not limited to night screeching, tooth seizures, acute ghost awareness, blood pasteurization, sterile urine syndrome, syndrome X, and several other but not necessarily noteworthy afflictions.

Is it Legal?

Hypno-Meeting™ itself is perfectly legal (pending approval by the Department of Health and Human Services). Unfortunately the medical procedure used to implant the microchip has been deemed an “invasive surgery” by anti-business extremists in congress, and so it is technically illegal for you to require Hypno-Meeting™ among your workers. A simple workaround is available however–you can make the surgery entirely optional, and only offer benefits/opportunities for advancement to those who volunteer. We guarantee you that within a year all your employees will be proudly sporting the Hypno-Meeting™ surgery scar.

We look forward to your business!

HYPNO-MEETING ad

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!

Illustrations by Paige Weldon


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