To Whom It May Concern:
You are receiving this letter because you have been named a beneficiary of the estate of Mr. Steven “Totally Steven” Sadaris.
As you may know, Mr. Sadaris had long been battling a rare form of colon cancer and recently passed away while on stage at the Cholula casino in Picacho, CA from a self-inflicted explosive device detonated inside his replica Monica Lewinsky dress. A note found at the scene simply stated, “It’s been a blast.”
Mr. Sadaris wishes his remaining possessions to be distributed as follows:
“To Jean Francis Torino, my mentor and beloved instructor at the American Conservatory Theater, who taught me that Acting is not believing, it is becoming, I leave my collection of fake dog poo. There’s some good shit in there.
To Leonard Gonzales – attorney, accountant, best friend, and briefly my cellmate – I leave my size 64GGG bra. You’ve always been my biggest supporter.
To my girlfriend, Petra Rothko, I leave my collection of curry, thyme, oregano, and sage, all decorated in women’s clothing. Who knows, maybe the Spice Girls will have a comeback someday.
To my second wife Tawny Chan, I leave my unicycle with a wheel that’s an isosceles triangle. I’m sorry you were never able to smooth out my rough edges.
To Betty Lind, my grandmother and only mother I have ever known, I leave my electric hand iron. Take that, iron deficiency and/or wrinkle cream!
To Criss Angel, my dear friend and confidant… to aid you in your lifelong quest to discover the true identities of your birth parents, I leave you my farting toilet seat. May it help you get to the bottom of things.
To Dr. Pynchon C. Pynchon, my oncologist, I leave you either my collection of boogers or my collection of locks; take your pick.
To Kang Hyo Bin, my ex-stepson, I leave my mailbox with boobs on it. Guess it’s more of a female box, really.
To Li’l Ro Ro, my godson and child of my now-deceased original comedy partner, Big Ree Ree, I leave my juggling kit. Your father would agree that you’re now big enough to handle my balls.
To my college roommate, Dennis Rader, I leave my foam hat shaped like a giant salmon. I knew there was something fishy about you!
To Jack Hasbro, my ex-business partner, I leave all of my prosthetic limbs. You really swindled me with those condos down in Tallahassee, I have to hand it to you.
To my niece, BeccaLynn, I leave my oversized sketchpad full of drawings of similes, metaphors, and figures of speech as if they were literal. Trust me, they’re more fun than a barrel of monkeys. I also left you a large, cylindrical container of macaques.
To my third wife, Pammy Chan, I leave my inflatable OJ Simpson doll. Always a killer bit.
To my parents, I leave nothing. I’ve been meaning to pay you back for all that you gave me.
And to my estranged daughter Veronikah – my sweetheart, the light of my life, daddy’s little princess – I leave you my mobile phone. It’s a phone with wheels on it.
My wireless microphone, oversized sports coat, teal pants, and shirt with lasers on it I leave to either a gay clown or Max Headroom. Apparently, both have called and want their wardrobe back.
Please lay what remains of my body to rest next to my ventriloquist dummy, Foxy, (per her request).
As for my fortune, amassed during my reign as Laughlin Nevada’s Entertainer of the Year from 1989-1997 and 1999, plus various male enhancement malpractice suits, my money is to be split among you all equally. You can find it attached to the ceiling of my mansion. Hope that’s not too over your heads.
Thank you. You’ve been a terrific audience.”
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!