The Little Sister Handbook
By
May 8, 2014

So, you’re a little sister and you want to learn the ropes. Here you’ll find everything you need to know to live a rich and fulfilling life as the youngest of the brood. It’s not an easy road you will travel, but the rewards are immense. So pay attention as we prepare you with:

1) You must be born last. If not, refer to The Middle Child Handbook or The Guide to Being the Oldest Child.

2) Remember, you are the last child for your parents. They’ve seen everything and done everything. They’re tired. Which gives you a lot of leeway. Make the most of it.

3) Shadowing: A little sister is always at close proximity to her siblings. The expression “up their behind” comes to mind. Your older brother or sister should become paranoid with the thought that you’re right behind them at all times.

4) Make contact: Older siblings hate to be touched. So make a point of touching, poking, rubbing, hugging them until they scream, “Mom!” Snot optional.

5) If Mom is summoned, make a puppy dog face. Don’t argue your point, just look cute. Your mother will then yell at your sibling because he’s “older and should know better!”

6) Although only a few years older than you, sibs are reaching a point where they think they have to act more mature. So childish things, like opening your mouth while full of food, farting, or biting your own toenails, are going to thoroughly freak them out.

7) It’s necessary to dislike any and all foods prepared for dinner. Just because the family decided what foods it likes before you showed up doesn’t mean you have to like them too.

8) Never forget the first rule of tattling: get there first. Sure, parents say they don’t like tattletales but don’t you want to be the first one to tell them your side of the story? Besides, many parent actually depend on little sisters for information on the older children now that they are doing things like dating, hanging out, and driving.

9) If something backfires, and you find yourself victim to an older sib, remember the crying option. You’re littler than everyone else, so further sympathy can be gained by a well-timed tear-fest. Beware of overdoing it. See: “throwing fits, tantrums, crybaby.”

10) Keep up with changing times. In olden days, little sisters were expected to sneak into their older sibs’ closets, clothes, and diaries. But with today’s technology, you’ll have to deal with encrypted emails, passwords and PINs. Being a little sister means having to stay hi-tech and happenin’.

Well, there you have it. Good luck and watch out for any pets your parents bring home.

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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