The Man With All The Answers
By
September 12, 2017

The legend was, if you trekked uphill for 7 miles over 2 days you could meet him. The mountain had snow, and low Oxygen and treacherous cliffs – you know, a mountain. The trek was meant to be difficult because the man you were about to meet could explain it all to you, anything you wanted to know. The answers were all there, within him. 

I decided to make the trek after my divorce. I wasn’t sure what had gone wrong in my marriage. I seemed to be the picture of good husbandry, I cooked, I cleaned, I made the bed – you know, GOOD husband, like in the fairytales. Yet for some reason I woke up one morning with a note next to me in bed. The note said very few words, but they sting every time I think about them: 

Out to get eggs 

Won’t ever come back,

Took the Vitamix

Not even the courtesy of a valediction. Signed, Jess – Sincerely, Jess – Love, Jess – It’s been fun, sorry it’s over, I guess you should probably get eggs too, Jess. 7 years of marriage, 3 of dating, gone. I didn’t know why. I couldn’t even be 100% sure she was the one who left the note. 

I didn’t really train for the trek which is what every single listicle on the internet said is the most important thing to do. I figured I ran marathons at the beginning of our relationship and 10 years isn’t too much time when it comes to physical fitness. Of course, I was wrong. I barely made it out of the car before I felt winded and nauseous. So instead of the long trek I decided to go with a rented donkey, Tabasco. 

The guide said if I took the donkey I could be up and back within a day. Which was pretty convenient since I was running out of vacation time at work and I was really hoping to sort out the answers to this divorce before heading back to the daily grind. Tabasco seemed up to the challenge. The guide fed Tabasco carrots and I asked if I could feed Tabasco but, Tabasco wouldn’t eat out of my hand. The guide said it was something about germs or Tabasco was a hypochondriac or something, I forget. 

The mountain wasn’t super scenic. It was kind of a boring, gray, stone. I know, right? The man with all the answers and he picks the ugliest stone to hang out on. I don’t get it. Doesn’t bode well for his title because at least in this case he must have the wrong answer. 

I wonder if anyone has told him this is an ugly mountain? I bet not. I think I’ll tell him. I bet he’d appreciate someone finally being honest with him. 

As we started approaching the top of the mountain, I was asking the guide if Tabasco could go any faster. I was starting to get a little antsy. It was a pretty long ride and donkeys aren’t the fastest animals I’ve come to gather. 

The guide said he was going as fast as he could. Which I doubt, but what do I know.

When we finally made it to the top of the mountain there was a little shrine but no one was there. I looked around and saw only a plaque. It said:

Here, Sat 

That’s it. It didn’t make any sense to me. If he sat here then where is he? Is he on break? On Vacation? Ugh. It would suck if he was out of town today of all days. But of course, that’s just my luck. He probably went to get eggs or some other dumb thing like that. 

The guide then took me to the edge of then mountain. Cool view, I have to admit. He started giving me this big spiel about how there used to be a man who lived up here but he died many years ago. How his final words and final thoughts were blah blah blah, and they were supposed to be passed down for every subsequent visitor. This advice was the culmination of all his learnings. It was the essence of his answers. The answer to answer all questions or some other horseshit. 

What a ripoff this whole thing was. Waste of vacation time, that’s for sure. 

Needless to say, I was pretty pissed. So now I’m back in my home after a long trek back down the mountain where Tabasco apparently hurt his back and couldn’t carry me – but apparently the guide had to ride him down to do some diagnostics, I don’t know – so I had to walk. And now I’m just sitting here in my home waiting to go to work tomorrow and I don’t even have any goddamn eggs for tomorrow morning.

I don’t know. The internet lies sometimes, I guess. 

 

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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