Allegra Ringo writes sketches for Top Story Weekly, and articles for The Atlantic and Vice. In her free time, she likes drinking sparkling water, yelling about feminism, and hanging out with her dog Pistachio.

We all know what you’re supposed to buy women for Valentine’s Day–flowers, chocolates, what have you. Buying gifts for men is trickier–you must tread lightly, or they will be like, “This gift is too feminine, and that offends me greatly.”

To eliminate the guesswork, I’ve compiled this list of the manliest Valentine’s Day gifts.

-A gift basket of assorted steaks

-A pile of guns

-A painting of a gun shooting two steaks

-An obscene amount of Vienna sausages

-A taxidermied snake

-A taxidermied steak

-A wall calendar featuring photos of steaks driving impressive cars

-A coupon for $50 worth of meat chips™

-A gift basket of assorted hammers

-A large dog with a large head

-A walk-in humidor with surprise naked ladies inside!!

-A gift basket of assorted barbecues

-A TV incapable of displaying media in the wrong aspect ratio

-A walk-in humidor with surprise large dogs inside!!

-A stake

-Stakeholder shares in a steak company

-Permission to never have to ask for directions again! Am I right, ladies?


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!

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