1. Wake up. Though you don’t require beauty sleep, you do deserve it, so hit the snooze button.
2. Wake up for real.
3. Check social media to see how many Likes you got for that photo that took you 40 minutes to stage and two hours to touch up with a photo editing app in order to look like you were just hanging out, no big deal.
4. Shower with the best shampoo and conditioner so that anyone who wants to discretely smell your hair will be rewarded with the perfect citrusy melon scent. Consider how lucky the water droplets are for getting to touch your skin.
5. Comb your hair until every hair follicle is in its exact right place, because people on the street will know how you intended your hair to look and will notice if it’s not perfect.
6. Select the most fashionable outfit you own so that others can see your clothes and realize how they should be dressing this season in order to be in style.
7. Curse the dog for making you almost trip over it. You have more important things to pay attention to than whether the dog is lying at your feet. Or that its water bowl is empty.
8. Grab a piece of fruit, or a trendy granola snack, or a trendy granola snack with fruit in it to eat on the drive to work. You can’t influence hearts and minds on a too empty or too full stomach.
9. Get in your car, adjust mirror to glimpse your perfect hair and makeup/beard.
10. Oh no, you forgot your kids! Repeat all previous steps but for them, ensure they arrive at school on time and looking the height of stylish so everyone realizes what a perfect parent you are.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!