You’re an artist. You’re a photographer. A musician. A multimedia, multi-platform, transsexual non-denominational creative. You’re not being hemmed in by hems or hemlines or hedges or hemisemidemiquavers or any other words that might define what you do as an artist. Ya want navigation and buttons? Not there. You wanna know where you are on the site? Wherever you are is where you are. Just use those 3 lines on the top left. You don’t even care that in the business we call that “hamburger navigation.” You don’t like hamburgers because they are ground meat and you don’t eat meat. You will have the occasional veggie patty, but you won’t call that a hamburger because that’s got other associations too meat-oriented to mention. Your site is sharp. No loose ends. No rough edges. Sans serif. If a serif font stumbled into your site, its serifs would be truncated on impact by sheer humiliation. Color? For another day. You can say everything with White and Black and Steel Grey and Buffed Slate or Brushed Stainless or Fine Pewter or Light Charcoal. You know there’s more to Grey than the space between Black and White. There’s no Contact page on your site because WhiteMark says to visitors, “You have a question? Go somewhere else. You don’t get me and I don’t get you.”
You’re cool. You’re funky. If they need a stock photo of a hipster they just use your picture. You don’t need to see what’s trending because you ARE what’s trending. Your business is so unique and unclassifiable that it’s not even a type: not manufacturing, not media, entertainment, healthcare, technology, hardware or software. Why would anyone even care? You rely on big, bold images that say big, bold things like “Our offices have high ceilings and open seating.” “Our staff is so young, you’ll get old just looking at them.” You can say everything there is to say about your company on one page because who has time to go clicking through webpages. On your site, people swipe up or down or left or right to scroll through images and chunks of copy that’ll make a scroll wheel spin off its axis. Glitchstain says, “What see you isn’t what you get. What you see is what you wish you could get. But you can’t because we have it already.”
You’re a business. A real, solid business with real solid products. Widgets of real world value that people buy with real dollars made out of real paper. Or PayPal or Venmo or Square or an EFT or, well, you deal in dollars and cents and value you can see with two eyes and touch with two hands…or one hand and that phantom limb if you’re an amputee and you still haven’t been treated for phantom limb syndrome. Barkwood says, “We have offices all over the world and a world map that tracks those offices to dots on the map. Go ahead visit our office in Stuttgart or Kuala Lampur. We’ll not only answer the phone and your email. We’ll give you the Skype account to videoconference with us.” Barkwood has social media icons up there so you can like us on Facebook or follow our Twitter account or our Instagram and yeah, yeah, well so what. We’re not posting pics of our staff playing foosball. We’re doing business here, pal We’ve got traditional navigation that won’t leave you up the web’s creek without a metaphor. Here’s left-hand navigation on the vertical that says, “You don’t know where you are on the site? We’ll tell you exactly where you are. And we’ll tell ya where to go next” A lotta colors? Go find them in the rainbow. We’re too busy dealing with the realities of the marketplace so everything is mostly white and blues and maybe some green for accent. Because everybody knows what green is … money. And we make money. Lots of it.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!