1. Complete Educator Preparation Program

2. Pass certification exam

3. Complete 4-week unpaid training on how to disassemble, clean, and rebuild Glock 17

4. Submit state application

5. Take seminar on how to accurately predict tornadoes and construct underground bunker in under 5 minutes

6. Pass ‘Recognizing Incoming Strains of the Flu and Creating Effective Vaccine’ certification test

7. Successfully complete Navy Seal BUDs training program

8. Pass course that teaches you Krav Maga when parent/teacher conference night inevitably turns into a scene from Fight Club

9. Must spend 4 days in Chernobyl and develop precognition powers from radiation exposure so you can focus your attention on the students that will actually utilize your teaching in the future

10. Complete meditation course in India so you may develop the coping skills to deal with the increasingly unrealistic expectations our society continues to put on teachers’ plates

11. Have fun!



The Higgs Weldon is an online humor magazine with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was founded in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!