First and foremost, the NFL would like to offer its condolences to the friends and family of Suckittombrady89. By all accounts, his account was one of the best. Losing a fantasy football player only 5 weeks into a season is a tragedy for all of us. Suckittombrady89 leaves behind a great roster, including a star quarterback and two promising offensive ends.
As a result of this incident, the NFL launched an online investigation to find out why Suckittombrady89 took his account offline prematurely. Our experts analyzed every move he made across all the fantasy footballmessage boards. Based on his syntax and enthusiasm, at the start of the season he was mentally on top of his game. However after he traded a top running back for a lowly kicker, he took a major hit. The other fantasyplayers on the message boards insulted him repeatedly which likely led to severe bruising of his ego.
According to our leading expert, the following insults caused the most damage: “You make pairing the name Dick with the last name Butkus look like a good idea,” “Your mom played for the ’93 Jets,” and “Brian Bosworth thinks you’re overrated.” Between the insults and poor trades, Suckittombrady89 spiraled out of control. He became confused, angry, and no longer capable of using proper English grammar. These are all symptoms of suffering from a fantasy concussion. By the end of the third week his inferiority complex had swelled beyond repair. He lost control of his syntax and could no longer tell the difference between a tight end and a wide receiver. His final post read, “f u all i win #gocards4ever.” He deleted his account soon after.
Fantasy football is a contact sport of the mind. It’s a violent and dangerous game of statistics that comes with real risks to the ego. The NFL knows this. The fantasy football players know this. However, it’s time the league truly acknowledge that every hit a fantasy football player takes, on and off the message boards, has the potential to do permanent damage to their ego. As the great Vince Lombardi once said, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can destroy a fantasy football player.”
For too long, the league has accepted fantasy concussions as simply being part of the game. Unfortunately Suckittombrady89 is not the first fantasy player to take his account offline, only the latest. Countless other fantasy players have given up before the season ends. Their deletion is just less publicized. Maybe they lose interest. Maybe they don’t understand how to play. Or maybe being pounded by insult after insult on message boards is too much for an ego to take. Across the country, at all levels of the game, the egos of fantasy football players will no longer be ignored. The NFL is going to tackle this issue head on starting today.
In honor of Suckittombrady89, the league declares the month of September to be Fantasy Football Concussion Awareness Month. In addition to pledging millions of dollars to the ongoing research of fantasy footballconcussion prevention, the NFL is offering all fantasy football players restitution for past injuries. Every single fantasy football player who has ever suffered from online abuse, will have their ego stroked back to health by top professionals. From this day forward, the NFL is committed to putting fantasy players’ safety ahead of profit.
Suckittombrady89 did not delete his account in vain. He deleted his account a hero.
As for the concussions suffered on the field, the NFL plans to continue to offer its players the choice between shaking it off and rubbing dirt on it.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!