Have you ever been to The Museum of Natural History? It’s so cool. I had so much fun rinning around looking at everything that I accidentally fell asleep in the bathroom at the end of the day. Whoops. When I woke up, I realized I was locked inside and that all the exhibits had come to life. I’m a huge history buff, so I thought I was in for an exciting and educational night. However, it turns out all the statues wanted to do was fuck.

I first came across “Lucy” from the Hall of Human Origins. She was amazing. I was shocked and honored to see her come to life before my very own eyes. She is the exhibits most complete skeleton from as long as 4 million years ago, and also a freak hoe. As a skeleton, she clearly wasn’t wearing any clothes. She went to the effort of finding a flowery kimono, just to take it off in a sensual way in front of me.

I was feeling it.

As I walked around, the vibe felt very different than when I went through the guided tour earlier. The lights were dimmed, which might have been how the museum leaves the exhibits when no one is around, or maybe these horny statues wanted to set the mood.

Either way, it was easy on the eyes. I tend to get migraines when exposed to harsh lighting. Plus, it was super hot.

Once I rounded the corner I was greeted by the infamous Louis and Clark. They notoriously led an expedition to discover new areas of the western world and are also kinky as hell. I told them about how I knew a guy named Louis Clark in college and they thought it was a charming anecdote. Honestly, I only brought it up because they kept suggesting a three-way and I needed to change the subject after respectfully declining. It just felt wrong with them being brothers.

I guess some things are better left out of the history books.

As I approached the Egyptian exhibit I saw a couple mummies wandering around. I knew mummies were preserved so they would have all their organs in the afterlife, but what I didn’t know was that they were all into foot stuff. As much as I wanted a foot rub after walking around the whole museum twice, I didn’t accept. I’m not a fan of foot stuff. Curiosity got to me and we all started making out. I kept stopping to ask about their experiences in Egypt because I love history, but one held his mummified hand to my mouth and whispered “shhh”. Hot!

We didn’t need words to communicate. Only our bodies and our souls.

I was sort of disappointed that none of my historical questions were being answered because this is a once in a life time situation to be in. As much as it was incredibly frustrating, it was more so a huge turn on.

These sexy ass statues have a way with words, but now I have mad syphilis.  



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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