The Obituary of Raj Desai by Raj Desai
By
May 7, 2014

When I was in high school, one of my English teachers, Mrs. McMillan, made our class write our own obituaries–not to be morbid, but so we could put down on paper what we were proud of accomplishing in the past, and what we hoped to accomplish in the future. It’s remarkable, because so much of what I predicted for my life could still come true!

One minor note, because it factors in here or there. At the time of writing, I was a big fan of rap-rock music, which, of course, is music that combines rap and rock ‘n’ roll–bands like Limp Bizkit, Kid Rock, Korn, Papa Roach, etc. It’s not like rap-rock plays a big role in my “obituary,” but it’s worth a brief mention for context. Here it is:

Mrs. McMillan’s 10th Grade English Class – Assignment: My Obituary

Raj Desai, the undisputed all-time king of rap-rock passed away yesterday after a long bout of illness related to kicking too much ass.

Desai was raised in Arlington, TX, now considered a major hotbed of rap-rock. Though not yet a rap-rock icon, even as a child, Desai was talented. In third grade, he won $10 from Keith Castellani for eating a tube of toothpaste and then downing a whole carton of orange juice. Though it had nothing to do with rap-rock, it was still pretty awesome!

And, in junior high, before he dropped mad rhymes, he was known for dropping mad hilarity. In Mrs. Whitworth’s stupid eighth grade English class he got his peers Sam Bunte and Matt Frederick to laugh after saying, “Where The Red Fern Grows–more like, Where the Red Fern Blows.” Also, after his classmate Jen Schuster contracted a case of head lice, Desai cleverly referred to John Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men as Of Lice and Jen. Man, that sure was funny.

Eventually, Desai graduated from Arlington High School and quickly became the most influential rap-rock artist of all time. He became the only rap-rock musician ever to record a song that featured three kinds of beats–phat beats, sick beats, and dope beats.

Frequent collaborator, rap-rock legend, and the super awesome Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit said, “Yo, in the evolutionary history of music it goes from bottom to top–Beethoven, Mozart, whoever did that ‘How Bizarre’ song, and then Desai. Desai was on top, you feel me?” His other best friend Kid Rock released a statement reading, “Desai is now in heaven playing in God’s band. God’s band is called the The Know-It-Alls and they’re actually really good. You should check ‘em out.” 

Moreover, it goes without saying that Desai singlehandedly altered the course of human history with his unbelievable rap-rock. He first became a rap-rock legend when he released his smash rap-rock debut album entitled Shutup, Dad! He went on to release many successful rap-rock albums, including You Don’t Know Me, Dad and How Do You Like Me Now, Dad?

Also, he moved out of his parents’ stupid house with their stupid rules and moved into a giant mansion that had both a Taco Bell and a Wendy’s inside it.

Along with the earth-shattering rap-rock musical legacy he has left behind, Desai is survived by his stupid brother Neel who, of course, is still the biggest jerk of all time. He is also survived by his girlfriends Pamela Anderson, Cindy Crawford, and the chick from that movie Species who takes her top off a bunch.

At this point, rap-rock is the only music anyone listens to or ever will listen to and we owe it all to Raj Desai. Rap-rock forever. Peace!

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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