Thank you for having me and thank you for coming. Today I am here to roast El Comandante. All aboard the roast train, next stop Burn City.

When I agreed to perform here tonight, a lot of my friends asked me if I’d be afraid of roasting El Comandante, because I’d run the risk of offending him. Actually, it is I who is offended–offended at God for not granting me the same outstanding good looks and superior intellect He granted El Comandante.

Let’s start with a classic. Why did El Comandante cross the road? So he could compete in and easily win a “World’s Smartest and Best-Looking Man Competition.”

Now, some of you may be thinking I’m tossing softballs here. Well, here’s a fastball. Get ready. El Comandante is so stupid. How stupid is he? He’s so stupid that despite being stupid he has a genius level IQ. That’s El Comandante for you, am I right?

Of course, El Comandante is often in the news, and not just because he’s constantly making lists of the best-looking and smartest people. Lately, the media has accused El Comandante of digging a complex matrix of underground tunnels along the U.S.-Mexico border to engage in illegal activity. Well, I don’t know if it’s true that he built those tunnels but I do know something El Comandante definitely built–an incredible life worthy of the utmost respect and admiration.

Most recently, of course, El Comandante was in the news after the prosecutor Diego Cordero was found dead in his home just hours before he was planning on indicting El Comandante. And, I think we can all figure out how the prosecutor died–he undoubtedly died while feeling incredibly jealous of what a great man El Comandante is.

Let’s see who else is here. I see El Comandante brought his wife, a former beauty queen. Of course, we all know how El Comandante scored a wife that hot. Why, by being himself, of course, an absolutely magnificent human being.

I see Shorty Vasquez is here. Shorty is El Comandante’s ace hitman. Yeah, Shorty has assassinated so many rivals and government officials–aka bad people out to harm the great El Comandante–that instead of being nicknamed Shorty he should be nicknamed “Incredibly great man who is highly competent at his job and who we should frequently say thank you to. How does that taste, Shorty?

El Comandante’s eldest son Pablo is also here. Pablo attends the most prestigious university in the country despite having had a low GPA and poor test scores. Boy, I wonder how Pablo got into such a good school? Why, with the exceptional guidance of El Comandante, I’m sure.

At this point, it’s time for me to go. Thank you to El Comandante for being such a good sport. Indeed, El Comandante is as good a sport as he is good-looking and supremely intelligent. That is to say, he is a record-breaking good sport. Sorry, couldn’t resist one last jab, El Comandante. Good night.


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