Illustration by Paige Weldon

Illustration by Paige Weldon

Hello and welcome to the roast of Pistachio, Los Angeles’s most beloved dog, who is turning three!

Pistachio told me that for her birthday, she wanted a roast. She didn’t specify which kind.

But seriously, Pistachio is a great dog. She sits, she rolls over, she stays. Stays in bed all day, that is. Unless the FedEx guy comes to the door, then she stays angry for hours.

But I wouldn’t trade my relationship with Pistachio for the world. Not that I get to see much of the world these days. Pistachio hates when I leave the house. Her anxiety is so bad, people ask Woody Allen if his persona is based on Pistachio. She claims it is and once threatened to sue him for 350,000 Milkbones.

When Pistachio isn’t threatening to sue filmmakers, she’s howling at them and every other human she sees. Pistachio howls so much, a pack of wolves once asked her to be their mentor.

And has anyone else here noticed Pistachio’s underbite? Of course you have. That thing is so big, blimps mistake it for their mother.

Folks, I don’t mean to trash Pistachio. She’d like that too much. Trash is her favorite food. The other day she ate a bagel that was next to the dumpster. I told her I would have given her a non-trash bagel if she’d just asked. She said, “Why have hamburger when you can have steak?”

Guys, you’ve been great. Please stick around for complimentary spoonfuls of peanut butter in the lobby. Good night!


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!