Hello and welcome to the roast of Shane… Pierson?, that guy I went on several dates with last year! Of course you all know that we’re roasting him in honor of his birthday, which I think might be around this time of year.

Boy, what a guy, right? He’s always driving that car. I remember it had a custom license plate that said some sort of word or phrase or something. It’s like, we get it!

And what’s with that apartment he lives in? It’s somewhere in the valley. It’s like what are you, raising a family of four? Wait, was he? No, I feel like I wouldn’t have dated him if he was. I don’t think. Unless he was really cool. But I don’t… think he was?

Well there’s no doubt he thinks he’s cool, guys. Have you ever noticed that he has that tattoo of something that’s red? It’s like what’s next, a tattoo of something that’s blue? Enough already!!

Guys, do not get my started on his phone number. It was something with like an 818 area code. I feel like he lived in the 818 neighborhood of the valley. Oh but actually he was from somewhere up north. So I think it could have been the same area code from when he lived there. Give me a break!!!

And man, that apartment he lived in was actually pretty isolated. It was kind of hard to get a phone signal up there. You guys ever notice that?

Sometimes it’s like, wait, has anyone seen this guy around lately? I don’t really have any idea how to get in touch with him.

You guys, is it just me or do we not know for sure that this guy is still alive? I feel like it would be really unusual if he died at age 30 or whatever. But I haven’t checked, so I guess I don’t really know for sure. It’s like we get it, you may or not be dead! But that’s Shane for you. Sean?


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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