The Sign of the Internet Porn
Watson and his girlfriend, Lisa, enter in workout clothes.
Watson: See you later, Sherlock. Lisa and I are going to Soul Cycle.
Sherlock: Didn’t get enough of a workout in the bathroom earlier, did we mate?
Watson: What are you talking about?
Sherlock: You and Lisa were watching Brazilian Women’s Volleyball this morning, when you suddenly came down with a suspicious case of irritable bowels. Spent nearly twelve minutes in the loo – but why, pray tell? Everyone knows your only gastro-intestinal trigger is your intolerance to dairy.
Lisa: He accidentally used half and half in his coffee instead of almond milk. Right, honey?
Sherlock: Interesting. Because this carton is still sealed!
Sherlock produces the half and half from the fridge. Lisa seethes at Watson.
Lisa: You made me feel sorry for you.
Watson: He’s lying, Lisa. He can’t prove it!
Sherlock pulls out Watson’s cellphone.
Sherlock: Elementary, dear Watson. Your cellphone search history says “Brazilian + volleyball + butts.”
Five seconds of silence.
Watson: Why do you have my cellphone?
The Case of the Spicy Chicken Sandwich
Mary: How about tempeh bowls again tonight?
Watson: Mmm! Don’t “tempht” me, babe.
Watson and Mary kiss. Sherlock enters, smoking his pipe.
Sherlock: Still hungry after that chicken sandwich, are we?
Watson: What chicken sandwich?
Sherlock: The one you devoured like a hound while Mary was shopping.
Mary: That’s impossible. I was only in the store for five minutes. Watson waited in the car.
Sherlock: But did he? Watson knew that Banana Republic only had two of those super versatile fuchsia scarves left that you’d found on Pinterest. He knew you’d be quick – so he’d be quicker. The second you entered the store, Watson sprinted full speed to the Chick Fil-A, ordered a spicy chicken sandwich, doused it in zesty buffalo sauce – and spilled a dab just above the left pocket of his Levi’s.
Sherlock holds a giant magnifying glass up to the stain on Watson’s pants.
Mary: You promised you’d go vegan for me.
Watson: I needed a cheat day!
Mary: I can’t stand you.
Watson: Good. You know what I can’t stand? Fucking tempeh bowls!
The Adventure of the Bachelor Winner
Sarah enters the flat. Watson is sitting on the couch.
Sarah: Hey, Wat. Ready for some more Bachelor?
Watson: I guess…
Sarah: Oh, come on. Aren’t you excited to see who Nick’s going to give the next rose?
Sherlock: Something tells me he already knows.
Sherlock enters in just a robe. He’s drunk.
Sherlock: Watson acted comically annoyed by The Bachelor premiere last night, rolling his eyes the whole way through. Little did you know, he was throwing you off his scent. Watson relished the schoolyard drama; the thought of having to wait to find out who’d receive the next rose plagued him. Once you left for work, he stripped-down to his undies, hopped back in bed and binged the entire season!
Sarah: That doesn’t make sense. Hulu shows you which episodes you’ve watched.
Sherlock: But a mere trifle, Sarah. You can clear “Recently Watched Videos” from your queue. Not many people know that.
Sarah shoots daggers at Watson.
Sarah: You binged the entire season? Today?
Watson: I couldn’t help it! Nick is a jerk, but weirdly sympathetic. I blacked out and when I came to, he was handing out the last rose… I’m sorry.
Sarah: I think you should sleep out here tonight.
Sarah goes into the bedroom and slams the door. Sherlock vomits all over the floor.
Watson: What is wrong with you?
The Scandal of The Screenplay
Watson is holding a script, sitting beside Kaitlin.
Kaitlin: What did you think about Star Gazer inheriting the Lance of Albernon?
Watson: Such a cool plot twist, babe.
Sherlock: Allow me to twist the plot even further.
Sherlock spins around in his chair to face them. He has a plate of cocaine.
Sherlock: Notice the fold at the corner of the script’s pages. As the angle increases, so did Watson’s frustration with the story’s lack of conflict, passive protagonist, and wandering second act. The folds stop entirely at page 46, however, where Watson, daunted by a lengthy chunk of description, grabbed a snack to fuel him through the end. But he left a clue; a spec of Cheeto dust below Star Gazer’s line, “I’m upset that we fell into this abyss” – a line so glaringly on the nose, it destroyed what little will he had left to continue.
Kaitlin: You said you liked that line!
Watson: I did, babe. It just felt like, maybe we could just see that she’s upset about falling into the abyss?
Kaitlin: You’re an asshole.
Kaitlin storms out of the flat. Sherlock snorts an enormous line of cocaine.
Watson: I’m moving out.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!