Health: Mentuhotep Care debuts. Millions sign up to have evil spirits removed from their cuts and bruises.

Labor: The Council of Elders of Umma unanimously votes to raise the minimum wage to three large rocks per year.

Science: King/Dr. Shutruk-Nakhkhunte of Lagash is awarded the Nabu Prize for proving the earth is a flat disk spinning in a sea of bison’s blood.

Baby News: Princess Kalibum welcomes her first baby, Ur-Nammu, shortly before drowning it in the Euphrates to prevent an ancient prophecy from coming true.

Law Enforcement: The execution of a Hittite man sentenced for avarice is botched when the volcano he was being thrown into takes four attempts to erupt.

Drugs: The city-state of Arrak legalizes recreational poisonous snake use after successful results from their medicinal poisonous snake use program.

Music: Pop diatonic harp sensation Ubara-Tutu tops the charts with her hit single “Welcome to Zagros (Temple Remix)” from the album 2039.

Sports: Nineveh takes home the gold in the Fertile Crescent Cup, while teams from Tyre and Eridu take home their decapitated heads for shaming their city and patron deities.

Politics: Zababa II becomes ruler of Phoenicia when Zababa I accidentally falls on the knife Zababa II is holding while Zababa I is sleeping under a tree.

Books: Obey the Code of Hammurabi or Suffer! tops The New Assyria Times’ Best-Sellers List for the 203rd straight year.

Weather: A mudslide kills 400 people in Assur. Meteorologists blame heavy rains and lack of praying to Balulu-kitun, the Goddess of Goats’ Milk.

Beauty: Relative unknown supermodel Barsal-nuna is crowned Miss Sumeria shortly before being stoned to death for practicing sorcery.

Safety: Thousands of chariots are recalled after malfunctioning steering columns are found to be possessed by the demon Pazuzu.

Gender Equality: Inanna Marduk becomes the first female leader of the Council of People Who Will Be Buried Alive with Their Dead King to Ensure a Bountiful Millet Harvest.

Bird-Monsters: A magical, silver bird-monster filled with strange-talking humans from the kingdom of “Malaysia” appears near a local time travel portal/millet field, providing high priests with endless monologue material.

Linguistics: The Great Stone of Ebla adds “turducken” to its list of new cuneiforms.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please enjoy our jokes!