These New Visa Categories Are Hella Specific
By
August 25, 2016

1471659803_travel_journey-10Are you or someone you know looking for a visa to stay in America? Think there’s no visa that fits your current situation? You may know about categories such as “work” or “student” visas, but did you know that the State Department recently added several new categories after they all came to work a little drunk following Susan’s engagement shower brunch? Check your eligibility for these new visas using the list below.

Island Nation Resident Looking to Avenge Father’s Death in America

Eligibility Requirements:

Be from an island nation (a country that is completely surrounded by water). For an example, Google “Japan.”

Have a father who was killed at the hand of another.

Provide a good reason as to why you think your father’s murderer is currently residing in the United States. Acceptable reasons include statements such as “He is a tenured professor at Vassar studying the migration patterns of seagulls,” or “I just saw him holding a sign outside the window on The Today Show last week.”

Length of Visa:

Visa will expire upon presentation of the assailant’s death certificate or until pre-production is complete on the HBO miniseries about your life.

What You Can Do:

Rent a camper van to journey across the country so you can save on hotel costs.

Take lessons in one form of martial arts from a wise older man who turns out to be a longtime friend of your father’s.

Own a crossbow.

What You Can’t Do:

Kill anyone who cannot be linked to your father’s death.

Teach grades 1-8 in a public school.

Canadian Citizen Coming to Laugh at American Election

Eligibility Requirements:

Be a citizen of Canada who is ineligible to vote in an American election.

Have a good sense of humor about the absurdity of politics.

Length of Visa:

Visa will expire one week after the 2016 general election or as soon as news stations stop covering the election and start covering ways teens are making inhalants from Hollister perfume and soy sauce packets.

What You Can Do:

Bring a lawn chair to a political rally and watch the events unfold while you eat Mike and Ikes.

Sit in a studio audience at any political chat show and stifle laughter.

Learn about the Electoral College system and then send an email outlining its shortcomings to your Canadian friends with the subject line “Listen to how messed up this is.”

What You Can’t Do:

Mention Justin Trudeau. We get it, he’s cool and he can explain quantum computing. Give it a rest.

European Citizen Searching For Geocache Buried During Atlanta Olympics

Eligibility Requirements:

Be from any country in Europe.

Prove that you attended the 1996 Atlanta Olympics. Acceptable proof can be a photo or a medal.

Give a rough estimate of the coordinates where you hid the geocache along with a description of what you put in it and why you want to find it again. An example of an acceptable reason is that maybe you put an engagement ring in that geocache for your then-girlfriend to find while she was geocaching around the Olympic grounds, but then she ended up sleeping with Andre Agassi and now you need to sell that ring to pay for your veterinary school loans.

Length of Visa:

Visa will expire at the exact moment the Olympic torch is lit in Rio.

What You Can Do:

Look for the geocache using any GPS technology of your choice or a map drawn from memory.

Remove and keep all contents of the geocache that you placed in it and one new item as a little gift to yourself.

What You Can’t Do:

Move the geocache to another location.

Look for any other geocaches recreationally.

Croatian Tourist Separated From Tour Group

Eligibility Requirements:

Be from Croatia.

Prove that you were separated from a tour group of 10 or more people through photos of you and other tourists in front of at least 3 recognizable United States monuments or chain restaurants.

Length of Visa:

Visa is valid until you find your tour guide or someone who was in your tour group who can keep their eye on you from now on.

What You Can Do:

Ask people on the street if they’ve seen your cousin Petra.

Put up flyers with photos of the back of your tour guide’s head as she points out where Edgar Allen Poe was born.

What You Can’t Do:

Ask for a refund on your tour.

Tell people in Croatia that America is unorganized.

Brazilian Citizen Staying to Prove a Point

Eligibility Requirements:

Be a citizen of Brazil.

Be in an argument or bet with an American citizen that can only be resolved if you stay in America a little longer.

Examples of acceptable reasons for staying include having bet your host family’s son that you can get a date for prom before he can (but prom takes place 3 months after you are scheduled to leave), or telling a friend that you can get a stopwatch to stop at EXACTLY midnight on New Year’s Eve.

Length of Visa:

Visa is valid until the argument or bet is resolved, provided that a timeline for the completion of the argument or bet is submitted with the visa application.

What You Can Do:

Loudly tell other people at social gatherings about the bet and try to get them on your side.

Smack talk the American citizen to a reasonable level (not so much that it gets you listed as a security threat).

What You Can’t Do:

Make bets that involve violence toward humans or bald eagles.

Keep making bets in order to stay in America. You get 3, tops.

If you or someone you know fits one of the above categories, visit www.us-state-dept.blogspot.com/new-visas to apply for a visa. If you do not fit an existing category but really want to stay, click on the “appeal” tab on the homepage and fill out the attached Google Form. The department will review the form once they figure out how to adjust the temperature in their office because it’s freezing and they can’t concentrate until it’s at least 70 degrees in there.

 

 
 
 

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