Things I Would Do Instead of Walking My Dog
By
September 7, 2017

 
First, I would have to get a dog, because I don’t have one. It would probably be a rescue, but I don’t know… Can you order rescue dogs online?
 
If it had any kind of issues the first time it needed to be walked — like if its mouth got all brown and shitty just from being alive, or if it walked sideways — I might just take it back to where I got it. Walking a dog is a lot of work, especially if your dog is busted.
 
I might also download some app to get a screenwriter or nice retired person to come walk it the first time. I probably wouldn’t think ahead on this one, so unless the app was super sketchy and worked right away, the dog would probably piss on the floor. That would suck. That’s one of the many reasons I don’t have a dog currently.

Once I had a dog walker set up, I would get really into the dog walking app and demand constant videos, pictures, and elite dog walking content. I like to get my money’s worth.
 
I would write letters to the dog walking app requesting that I be reinstated. I would point out that I was within my rights to request facetime smooches with my dog and that Darin (my dog walker) was just holding a grudge because he knew I preferred Alicia (my previous dog walker). 
 
I would negotiate with Alicia (give her whatever she wanted) to come back and walk Kevin Stocker (my dog and, coincidentally, my favorite baseball player). 
 
I would troll the shit out of Darin. I would troll him so hard. Like bog of eternal stench level troll shit. 
 
I would clean the apartment so Alicia didn’t realize I live like Robin Williams on hour 34 of a coke bender doing an impression of a family of racoons.
 
I would look at other dogs on petfinder.com and then feel bad about it and eat ice cream. 
 
I would go to a coffee shop with the intention of doing work, but then just stare at dogs out the window the entire time.
 
I would arrange meetings with friends along Alicia’s route and then pretend we were in a business meeting when she and Kevin Stocker walked by. I would then give Kevin Stocker all the smooches, but in a professional way so that Alicia didn’t suspect anything. 
 
Ok, maybe sometimes I would walk Kevin Stocker. But only when it was beautiful out.
 
Ok, I would end up quitting my “job” and becoming a dog walker.

 

 

 
 

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