Call my parents and tell them that I love them.

Relocate to Costco.

Finally have a legitimate reason to train for a marathon that doesn’t involve Instagram.

Bang my head against the wall for never learning how to shoot a gun. Feel incapable for several days.

Think of ways on how being the former captain of my high school dance team might come in handy. Feel incapable for several more days.

Create an Excel spreadsheet for my fellow Costco survivors to track food, supplies, and guns that I don’t know how to use.

Sneak off to the local library and check out books on how to shoot a gun. End up instead perusing the young adult romance section.

Write down a list of reasons on why I shouldn’t be the first survivor to be eaten when the group runs out of food. End up only writing down “Microsoft Excel.”

Bang my head against the wall for never learning any useful skills. Become an alcoholic.

Check out library books on how to become an alcoholic.

Call my therapist, only to discover that she’s dead.

Finish writing my play.

Summon the courage to call Heather, my old office crush, and confess my feelings, only to discover that she’s also dead.

Curry favor with Jedediah, the group leader, so I have a shot at moving down from No. 1 on the list of people to be eaten. Ask him if he’s had aspirations to star in a play.

Have time to finish reading War and Peace.

Forage a zombie-infested Starbucks for abandoned iPhone chargers.

Tell Jedediah that I learned how to bake a potato. Feel capable for several months.

Announce to my fellow Costco survivors that I’m holding auditions for my play, a one-act romantic comedy about me and Heather.

Check my email.



The Higgs Weldon is an online humor magazine with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was founded in the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!