Floss: For mouth hygiene and garroting outsiders who come to take our women.

Acorns: They’re small and everywhere. So they could make a fine future currency if we don’t try to eat them while starving. By the way, don’t attempt to eat acorns. It doesn’t work. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Beanie Babies: I’ll sell you mine for only 9.99$ a pop.  Based on my Beanie Babies Price Guide (1998) that is incredibly generous.

Body Pillow: It’s like you’re sleeping next to a real human being!

DVD Set Of The Bob Newhart Show

Shiny Stone I Found: This stone is great. Really smooth.

Mona Lisa: Assuming you can get your hands on it, it’s probably pretty valuable.

Tree Leaves: Assuming the apocalypse destroys all plant life—and we all know it will—tree leaves will be in short supply. And they could be an alternative currency if bloodsucking radioactive squirrels take all our precious acorns.

Hugs: In the desolate wasteland of post-apocalyptic America, human affection will be in short supply. Guard your hugs wisely and save up as many as you can.

Shiny Stone I Found: I changed my mind about the stone. I’m keeping it. I need it.

Guns: Very valuable. I’ll even trade you my shiny stone for a gun. And I definitely won’t demand my shiny stone back at gunpoint!

Bust Of Edgar Allan Poe: To be reminded of the transient nature of existence and also to throw at roving bands of cannibal ghouls gathering outside your cave.

Shiny Stone I Found: Just so we’re clear, I will fight you for this shiny stone. I will fight you to the death to protect its magical essence from infidels.

Acoustic Guitar: You can soothe the savage beasts of the future with a soulful rendition of Hollaback Girl.

Books: Knowledge is power so hoard all the books you can. Dictionaries have the best page-to-knowledge ratio so grab them first.

Human Hair: Assuming the apocalypse involves nuclear bombs, we will lose our hair and wig demand will shoot up. That’s why I store all my hair in giant bins in the basement.

Shiny Stone I Found: So shiny. So very, very shiny. So pure.

A Can-Do Attitude!                                                                 

Andy Sandberg: He is really funny and we will need humor to ward off the existential horror that will define the post-apocalyptic experience. Plus I get the feeling he is a nice guy in real life. 

Windows ME Installation Disk: In case you come across an operational computer you wouldn’t want to be without the most iconic operating system of all time.

Tureen: When you’re starving, it helps to imagine you have a giant feast! And every feast needs a tureen.

Bullets: To protect the Shiny Stone I found which might also be the unholy vessel of a Chthonic God

The Road By Cormac McCarthy: Because, hey, things could be a lot worse and it’s nice to be reminded of that sometimes.

Shiny Stone I Found: When I hold the stone I grasp the tendrils of the universe. I bridge the darkness toward apotheosis.

Sweater: In case it gets nippy.


The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 

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