1. Gather together some bagels from the catering tables, and hold them all in your arms, cradling everything, with bagels spilling over onto the floor.
2. Plop all the bagels down on one attendee’s seat, making it seem as if you gathered the bagels at that individual’s request.
3. Scream, “omigod I love you!” at the keynote speaker and flash him/her.
4. Nudge the person next to you, point up at the stage, and say, “That’s my kid!” But only do this when the speaker is clearly much older than you.
5. When people are milling around during the break, introduce yourself and apologize for the bagel incident.
6. If there’s a Q&A period, ask a loaded political question that has nothing to do with the speaker’s relevant area of expertise.
7. While attentively listening to a speaker’s points, rub your chin slowly and thoughtfully. Then gradually increase the speed and force with which you’re rubbing your chin, and act as if it’s pleasurable.
8. When the conference ends, turn to the person seated next to you and say something that implies you didn’t absorb any of it, such as, “So, wait a minute, this means that They were in on it this whole time…”
9. Try to discreetly steal someone else’s notes by slyly snapping a pic with your camera phone. Do this with extreme and unnecessary subterfuge.
10. Try to occasionally pay attention, just to see if it’s possible.
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