1. Throw them away. But you hesitate. Your newly-acquired Catholic guilt reassuring you that Waste is another of the Deadly Sins. A less popular one, but no less lethal.
2. Eat them. Even with your gluten allergy. Days writhing on the bathroom floor is enough suffering for a clean conscience, you think.
3. Ship them overseas. You’re not sure if Africa is still starving. Maybe the Middle East. Attach a note saying ‘Not all of us wanted these wars.’ Add a sideways smiley face at the end. Be sure to package them at a table at the post office. Bring them to the counter first and hold them palms up like a dead pigeon offering. Confirm the cost of international shipping and ask if the boxes are over there (which you can plainly see). Be extra loud when pulling the tape over the box so the other customers peer over to see just what you’re doing. And make sure to tap the the box when bringing it up to send, the postal worker intentionally ignoring the fact that you simply wrote ‘Africa’ on the address line making it impossible for the box to reach its vague, final destination. They have bins in the back for this type of stuff.
4. Make a drawbridge for your model castle. ‘It’s getting really quite good,’ your cousin says letting her whiskey sweat in your cramped bedroom upstairs.
5. See if your son wants them. He doesn’t.
6. See if your dog wants them. Your wife hasn’t trusted you to feed your dog since you left a candy bar in your back pocket two years ago. You didn’t even know they could pump dogs’ stomachs.
7. Sell it on eBay. BreadBoy2012 keeps messaging you asking you if it’s vintage. ‘What? Like you want mold on it or something?’ He writes: ‘How am I supposed to know it’s legit?’
8. Donate them to science. You figure there hasn’t been much innovations in the bread family for quite some time. Not since they started slicing it, in fact. Maybe they could invent some self-buttering bread. Or a super strong adhesive for submarines made entirely out of bread crusts. All thanks to you and your generosity.
9. Give them to Homeless Rob sitting at the light next to the boarded up Blockbuster on your commute next Tuesday. No. That’ll just go to booze.
10. Burn them. What if these things are indestructible? What if you buy a huge blowtorch, put on your welding mask, fire away, and as the white-hot embers of your man-made inferno dissipate, the crusts are mockingly staring up at you unchanged and looking more gloriously nutritious than ever before? What if these are crusts that were in a radioactive waste accident and the more you try to destroy them the more powerful they become, pulsating and growing larger with each hammer stroke and chainsaw rev, sprouting arms armed with bread dough machetes and a mouth with cinnamon raisin teeth visible through its devilish grin? What if it escaped and no one could stop the mutant’s rampage? Bombs from all different countries raining down upon the monstrous blob that you created and fueled. Bombs from countries that hated each other before a common enemy threatened the citizens of each nation. Bombs from countries who finally saw – through your very own grave error – that they weren’t so different after all.
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!