“Please refrain from trimming your puppet’s eyebrows in my bathtub.”

“Who is talking right now, you or the puppet?”

“The sing-along cut off is 11 p.m.”

“The Kermit voice cut off is also 11 p.m.”

“Proctology jokes are never appropriate at dinner with my grandma.”

“Where are all these googly eyes coming from?”

“I think you are overthinking The Muppet Babies.”

“I’m sorry the selection at the local fabric store wasn’t to your satisfaction.”

“Why does your new puppet look like my quilt?”

“Where is my quilt?”

“Yes, the Mahna Mahna song DOES get old – and much faster than you seem to realize.”

“Sure, you can talk to me through the puppet, if that’s easier for you. That’s not weird at all.”

“The Labyrinth character I most relate to is the screaming baby.”

“No, I do not have a 1925 Singer sewing machine you can borrow.”

“Please respect other people’s opinions on the exact nature of Bert and Ernie’s relationship.”

“Really? That puppet is made entirely out of hemp?”

“Sorry I ripped the tongue out of your puppet’s mouth, but he was asking for it.”

“Regretfully, I will not be attending your re-creation of the Goblin King’s masquerade ball, but thank you for the invitation.”



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!



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