This Autobot Was Not As Billed
By
September 12, 2016

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Dear Consumer Protection Bureau:

I recently bought a used Autobot, you know one of those “good guy” Transformers. If you don’t know who the Transformers are, they’re these robots that can turn into things (why, I don’t know?) who are fighting over the universe (maybe? not sure) over something called “Energon cubes” (also, not sure about this). I don’t really follow the news, so I only know vague stuff about the Transformers. 

Anyway, the good guy robots are called Autobots and they turn into motor vehicles even though a lot of them can fly while in pure robot form. Why you would want to drive when you can fly beats the hell out me.  Also, these Autobots have a group of enemies called “Decepticons” — I surmise they’re supposed to be “deceptive” or something, though sounds kind of dumb, frankly. Apparently, the Decepticons do not turn into motor vehicles. In fact, one Decepticon for some incredibly stupid reason turns into an audio cassette player (I’m not making this up!). But, who cares. Like I said, the Autobots and the Decepticons fight (again, not totally sure why — you’d think they have a lot in common what with being robots that can turn into things…).

Anyway, whatever, I figured I needed a car so I might as well get a robot, too. I thought, hey, maybe I can use the robot as my butler or something when I’m not driving it around. 

So, with the above in mind, I see on Craigslist a used Autobot for sale from a private owner. I go in-person, check it out, everything looks ok — the guy says “it’s like new.” Keep in mind, I only saw the Autobot in robot form — it was speaking English, it did a break dance, and I’m figuring everything’s cool. So, I write the guy a check and he drives off in a regular, non-Transformer car. 

Next thing I know I ask the robot to transform into a car and it turns into a 1994 Toyota Corolla. It totally sucked — it barely ran, I had to replace a bunch of parts, the tape deck had a Third Eye Blind tape stuck in it (not even the one with the “doot-doot-doot” song — a later record that no cares about), the alarm didn’t work — anyway, a real piece of “s” car!

So, I call the guy who sold it to me and, suddenly, he’s not picking up his phone.

Is there any way the Consumer Protection Bureau can help me out here? Couple of my co-workers said it was my fault for buying an Autobot named Don, because any idiot should know that a Transformer named Don would be a sucky one — I guess the good ones are supposed to have more stereotypical robot names. But, like I said, I don’t really keep up with the news. 

Please let me know if there are any steps I can take to get a refund.  

And, if it helps my claim at all, Don is a terrible butler. He mostly just sits on the couch drinking motor oil and watching reality TV (says his “fav” show is Sex Sent Me to the ER on TLC). Plus, he never break dances when I ask — quote “only when [Don] feels like it.” Thanks yet again, Don! 

Your time and attention to this matter are appreciated. 

 

 
 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 

 

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