But do not bounce on the turtle! For while it is in fact a trampoline, because a turtle is everything and everything is a turtle, it is best if you refrain from bouncing on the turtle.  

The whole world is one, children. So we are all turtles and we are all trampolines and we are all one and we are all… everything. 

Marcus, no… Marcus what did I just tell you? Do not use the turtle as a trampoline! 

Yes, we are all one and everything *is* everything but that doesn’t mean that you can bounce on the turtle! 

Marcus bring me the turtle. Marcus I’m serious. Marcus! 

Ok well now the turtle is dead. Way to go Marcus you little spit! Now the turtle is dead and it is nothing. It’s no longer everything, it is nothing. Marcus you whore now I have to go get a new turtle. 

Yes Marcus, technically everything in this room is a turtle. 

No Marcus, I can’t just make something else in this room into a turtle. That’s not how the “we are everything and everything is us” concept works! Everything just is everything, why is this so hard for you to understand you turtle killer.  

Yes class, he had a name. It was a name that I found to be very spiritual and it’s a name that helped remind me of who we really are in the world. It was “Everything.”

Marcus I will punt you, please stop talking. I’m mourning Everything.

Everything was my world and now Everything is gone and now it’s over. 

No Marcus this is not a metaphor for my life, go to the corner! 

Marcus! No you know exactly what I mean by go to the corner. 

No! Everything isn’t also a corner. Only a corner is a corner. A corner isn’t everything, it’s just a corner. You have to go there you can’t stand in the middle of the room and call it the corner. 

Marcus you are the worst. You are not everything you are only one thing, the worst. I hope your parents never come to pick you up.



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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