This Is Why I, a Conservative, White, Man, Let My Wife Go to Planned Parenthood Once a Year as a Special Treat
By
September 1, 2017

Planned Parenthood is bad for my wife. This “non-profit” “organization” performs a million abortions a year (or something like that) and encourages women to be as loose as they want by throwing birth control pills and IUDs at them like confetti. I am against all of that, mainly for various religious reasons that I assume make complete sense but have never actually looked into.

Even though Planned Parenthood is bad, my wife Brenda often asks to go so she can regularly have “low-cost gynecological exams” and “get effective birth control.” I know that if I were to say yes to these requests all of the time, Brenda would be under the regular influence of evil people. This is why I have a strict rule in my home: no trips to Planned Parenthood for Brenda. It’s what’s best for her.

However, I am not some sort of dictator husband, which is why I let her go once a year as a special treat. I guess you could call me a bit of a softie. I do the same thing with my kid when I let him go to the disgusting and disease-ridden entertainment center/restaurant Chuck E. Cheese once a year. Actually, Chuck E. Cheese and Planned Parenthood are very similar. They are both gross, but certain nagging members of your family love them. I often send Brenda to Planned Parenthood on her birthday and my kid to Chuck E. Cheese on his, so the treats feel even more special.

I am not one of those husbands who doesn’t understand a woman’s unique needs and desires. I get why Brenda wants to go to Planned Parenthood. Girls will be girls, and that place is all about vaginas and other girl stuff. And I can only imagine that the waiting room is filled with gabbing women waiting to get their abortions and make other terrible decisions with their bodies. It’s the perfect time for them to catch up on topics like neighborhood gossip and glitter. My wife connects to the ladies at Planned Parenthood the same way that my kid connects to an animatronic mouse named Chuck E. Cheese: they both finally feel at home in a way that they will never feel around me. Wow! I think we’re in softie town and the population is me!

The thing I understand the most about women is that it’s not always easy to be a full-time housewife. Sometimes Brenda gets bored watching her soaps all day, so her yearly trip to Planned Parenthood is also her yearly dose of excitement. You never know what might happen at Planned Parenthood! For instance, Brenda usually sees protesters outside, which is always a fun story to tell her friends. One time one of those protestors had a gun, a story Brenda still tells at every therapy session she goes to! What a riot! I can only hope Brenda is just as excited to go to Planned Parenthood as she was when I took her to my mother’s house in Ft. Lauderdale for our honeymoon.

I am not sure what procedures Brenda gets done or who she talks to when she goes to Planned Parenthood, and I don’t ask. It’s none of my business, because it’s Brenda’s day. I do the same thing with my son when I send him off to Chuck E. Cheese. Wow, am I softie or what? Spoiler alert: I am.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that even though some things are bad, like cookies or beer or Chuck E. Cheese or Planned Parenthood, it’s alright to allow a special treat every once in awhile for the people who really deserve it.

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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