Yes, that’s right. I went to rehab for coffee addiction for two weeks. No one ever believes me. But believe me now. I went to rehab for drinking too much coffee every day. 
 
I was one of those guys at work, who you’d tell over and over again that they’d “had enough for the day” and that they “really better see someone about that addiction before it’s too late”.
 
Please note that this was coffee addiction, not caffeine addiction. Even when I was at absolute rock-bottom, I’d only drink the good stuff. If you offered me a cup of nespresso, I’d tell you in no uncertain terms where to pour it. 
 
Before we arrived, they checked our bags for beans, presses, grinds, grinders, scoops, thermometers, stirrers, and wet wipes.
 
The first day we got there, I noticed that they would purposely leave out instant coffee and nespresso pods (as well as the machines) to tempt us, but as coffee-purists, we wouldn’t even come close. However, if they had left say, Blue Mountain Organic Roast I would have tried to ingest in any way possible, including but not limited to snorting/huffing/swallowing or booty bumping. 
 
We would be constantly offered coffee, in an attempt to replicate the outside world, such as work. And each time we would have to emphatically refuse, or say something along the lines of “my days with that stuff are over”.
 
We had to practice saying “water, anyone?” which was incredibly difficult because we were so used to asking everyone whether they wanted coffee, literally every 15 minutes. 
 
They’d wake us up with a beautifully brewed coffee by award winning baristas filling our nostrils, and tell us we are absolutely allowed to have some of the good stuff to get us right back into gear for the day, although they added 100 spoons of sugar to everyone’s cups. For a purist, even a single spoon of sugar would destroy the finest of roasts. That didn’t stop people from trying to knock them back, but the magical aroma that graced our nostrils soon transformed into that of vomit stained linen. 
 
The few movies we were allowed to watch had bleeped out “coffee” and blurred out any sighting of anything coffee related, including any kind of bean, mugs, and computers. 
 
Attendants would come into our rooms, at night, to make sure that the coffee related convulsions were kept in check, and they’d have tapes recorded by the world’s leading anti-coffee activists playing throughout the night in attempt to convince us that coffee was a major public health crisis. 
 
It was an absolutely brutal experience, but I am unbelievably thankful that I am clean. Truth be told, it has been tremendously difficult to give up the stuff. It was a ritual which I adored doing, 20 to 30 times a day.
 
It has been 2 weeks, but I look forward to many more years of coffee sobriety! 

 

 

 

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!