This Year, I’m Getting on Fucking Shark Tank
By
February 2, 2016

Some people come up with a product and execute it completely from start to finish. Then they go on Shark Tank and I have to sit through some idiot describing why their gourmet fudge or new age rollerblade is worth an investment.

I’ve always been more of an ideas man, but after watching these losers, I’m ready to get my products in the hands of all the sharks but mainly Mark Cuban. Especially Mark Cuban.

Idea #1: String Cheese Shirt

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Pretty self explanatory. It’s a fun product marketed towards the cheese lover in all of us. If the company expands, we can features shirts with all types of cheese on them.

Idea #2: Female-Friendly Mudflaps

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It’s 2016. Not all truck-drivers are Mountain Dew-guzzling, Slim Jim-inhaling, mouth-breathing men. Some of them are Mountain Dew-guzzling, Slim Jim-inhaling, mouth-breathing women. So this is for them. Also for gay men. And really anyone who wants to shock other drivers.

Idea #3: Restaurant Chain that Appeals to Frat Boys

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Imagine the fucking market for this in any college town. This idea just sold itself. Oh, wait. No it didn’t. I did. I sold this idea itself.

Idea #4: Sporty T-shirt

This was a T-shirt where it has the logo of the Olympic rings but instead of the Olympic rings I photoshopped in buttholes. Our editor told me this was not appropriate, not only for Shark Tank, but for anyone to see. Fair.

Idea #5: A New, Classy App

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This app, called “Bedeviled,” delivers deviled eggs to you at anywhere, at any time. Perfect for a cocktail party, or a funeral.

Idea #6: Discreet Lunchmeat Transport

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I hired the most expensive model and the most skilled graphic designer to label this genius product. You might’ve noticed a lot of these ideas revolve around food. This is no accident. It is all I think about.

Idea #7: Laptop Truck Nuts

Like these:

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But for this:

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In the same vein as my female-friendly mudflaps. It would’ve made more sense if I put this on the list closer to the mudflaps. But I’m not organized. I’ve honestly never finished any project I’ve ever started.

Ugh, that’s probably why I’ve never been on Shark Tank.

 
 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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