As of 2018, The Higgs Weldon has been up and running for 5 years. To celebrate, we are re-publishing some of our favorite pieces from over the years for the entire month of January. This article was originally published on February 9, 2016.
As she gazed into his unresponsive, lifeless eyes that didn’t quite meet hers, her heart was aflutter.
“I love you,” she whispered.
“And I love you,” he said, ”But, my darling, I am just a parasitic worm that has infested and taken complete control of this man’s brain “
“And I’m an adult woman who thinks that frogs are just baby turtles. I know we have our differences, but we can make this work, I know we can.”
She embraced the commandeered body of her love, and five inches of his skinny green body slithered out of the right eye socket and planted a kiss with his minuscule protractible beak on her eyeball, depositing a pile of eggs into the cornea.
The Vulture’s Letter
Vlad the vulture entered the valley where no sun shone through the gap between the two craggy mountain peaks. The air changed suddenly to bone-chilling cold, but It didn’t bother him; this was where he was born, where he had grown, and where he had tried pot for the first time. He grasped his talons tighter around the envelope he carried, which he’d closed with a red heart sticker.
“Sorry guys, no time to chat today, I’m in a hurry!” he shouted out to the ominous echoing screams and moans that emanated from the void below. The letter in his talons began to curl from the dampness, and the smell of lavender wafted from it, competing with the much more tempting smell of a thousand dead carcasses.
The opposite side of the valley eventually opened onto a beautiful meadow bursting with untouched wildflowers, where he considered picking up a dead rabbit as an extra gift, before continuing on until he reached the small town. Ignoring all the townspeople who went, “AH!” he finally touched the ground in front of Rob’s Pet Palace. After transferring the somewhat shredded letter to his beak, he walked in on his two claws, like a gentleman. He headed straight towards the cage where Coco the sherbet colored cockatoo lived, and slipped the letter through the bars. She chirped, and looked at him for a moment, then gingerly bit the red heart seal.
Every day, two teenage love-birds exchange candy hearts by dropping them in each others’ lockers.
Him: “KISS ME”
Her: “HUG ME”
Him: “YOU & ME”
Her: “JUST ME”
Him: “LOVE ME”
Him: “I LOVE YOU”
Her: “U R A GOOD FRIEND’
Him: “WINK WINK”
The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!