To All Employees
By
July 21, 2014

Illustration by Robin Higgins

Illustration by Robin Higgins

I would like to address certain rumors.

Yes, one of the test monkeys escaped. Yes, that test monkey freed a test baboon. Yes, that test baboon freed a test orangutan. And yes, that test orangutan freed a control gorilla. None of these things are in dispute.

No, the freed test animals had not been granted enhanced intelligence and the gift of speech by genetic augmentation. They did not form a loose coalition of hyper-intelligent creatures hell bent on vengeance against the world of man and its inherently cruel nature. They did not, in their haste to escape, accidentally release a xenomorphic specimen which proceeded to stalk human and beast alike.

The primates did not put aside their differences and ally themselves with a group of plucky, young multi-cultural scientists. There was not sizzling sexual tension between the orangutan and a female scientist who had given him extra rations of fruit during his captivity. The gorilla did not sacrifice himself to buy the group time, pounding his chest towards the approaching star creature in defiance.

The baboon did not suffer a crisis of confidence regarding his strength. The monkey did not offer his friend encouragement by stating that he was twice as strong as a mandrill, once as mean, and half as ugly. The orangutan did not woo the female scientist by relating tales of his former home in the wilds of Borneo, where he was worshipped as a kindly god by the native tribes.

The group was not torn asunder by accusations that the human scientists knew full well the unethical leanings of their compatriots’ experiments. The orangutan did not wisely state that, regardless of past circumstances, they were all family, if only separated by a few million years of evolution.

None of the scientists theorized that the creature could be lured to its death in the sterilization chambers on sub-level four. On their way there, the group did not encounter the now mutated gorilla, who attacked with all the savage fury of the earth and stars in its gnarled, chitinous fists. The baboon did not find the strength to rend the gorilla’s head from its body. The severed gorilla head did not grow spider legs from its neck stump and attempt to flee, before being chopped in half with a fire axe by the female scientist.

The animals and humans did not construct an elaborate trap for the creature, which relied on the monkey’s speed and agility to lure it into the sterilization chamber. The creature did not chase the monkey as expected, trapping itself in the sealed sterilization chamber. The chamber did not misfire. The xenomorphic specimen did not pound on the doors, creaking them at their hinges. It did not slash its many tentacled limbs towards the shatter-proof glass separating it from the operations room. The scientists did not frantically push buttons before declaring all lost. The orangutan did not push the scientists away, mutter, “The old ways are the best,” and smash the console, engulfing the chamber in flames and roasting the space fiend in its shell.

The animals did not work their way through security into the president of the company’s office and threaten him with bodily harm should the test program continue. They did not board a private jet to Borneo, along with the female scientist. None of this happened.

Coincidentally, the animal testing program is being shut down because of budget cuts. That is all.

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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