To whom it may concern:

It has come to my attention that I am rather disliked by the other tenants in the building. I would like to take this opportunity to make things right.

First of all, I want you to know that the fire last week was an accident. It could have happened to anyone. Who among us doesn’t know the embarrassment of leaving a lava lamp on for three years and finding it engulfed in flames some sunny afternoon? This is just life. In any case, I am very sorry for any distress I may have caused. I am especially sorry to Mr. Davidson in apartment eight for the hole in my floor/his ceiling. I promise to pay for the damage and to wear underwear around the apartment from now until it is fixed.

Some of you have also voiced concerns about my musical tastes. I understand now that Bush is not for everyone. I promise to keep the volume down from here on out. However, I would like to issue all of you an open invitation to come over and give Bush a chance sometime. I know it’s not “cool” to like them, but I suspect you might not care about that if you heard their latest album. Gavin’s love for Gwen shines through in a way that is both heartwarming and totally rockin’.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, many of you have turned in formal complaints about my pack of dogs. This I am unwilling to compromise on. Sure, the sign out front does say “no” pets, but on the other hand, everyone knows I have a pack of dogs. And once you have seven, who can say no to three more? Not me, that’s who. And I’m sure neither could you, if only you would take the time to get to know them the way the Davidsons and I have. Also, I have it on good authority that Mrs. Henderson in apartment three keeps a goldfish for her nephew, but I don’t see everyone trying to get her evicted.

Now that we’ve settled all of our differences, I look forward to many peaceful years of enjoying this apartment complex and never having to hear anyone complain about anything like this ever, ever again.

Your pal,
McAllister Brian, Jr., DDS

P.S. I will be re-opening the home dentistry practice this Thursday! Please tell your friends about my grand re-opening pool party. Also, I need to reserve the swimming pool area on September 12th.



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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