January 17, 2017

toastA gentle sweat began to blanket my back and the room started to feel small. The palm trees outside shifted from festive to threatening. Coconuts kill one hundred and fifty people a year. I had read that somewhere unreliable but now it seemed true.

A chair scraped the ground and my throat begged for water. My glass was empty so I pilfered an ice cube and rested it on the inside of my wrist. Deep breaths.

“Is it loud in here?” Whether I was speaking or thinking this was unclear.

I took note of the line forming for the women’s restroom and attempted to count backwards from ten. I got to eight then moved the cube to the back of my neck. Everything will be okay.

My coffee was getting cold but I didn’t dare take a sip. The thought of putting anything inside my body besides air seemed potentially detrimental.

I took a huge inhalation and smiled at no one in particular. Please G-d let me get through this.

I wanted to run but my body felt glued to my chair. I quietly confirmed it was indeed excessively loud. I scanned the room trying to identify the location of the noise and it was then that I locked eyes with a man staring down at me. Everything became blurry. He was asking me a question, repeating it persistently. Was I dying? Is this how it all ends?

“Chase!” I felt someone grab my arm and my vision snapped back. The chatter around me returned to an appropriate volume. I swiveled back to the man staring down at me.

“I said we’re all out of sourdough.”

I stared at him. Then at my friends staring at me.

“Would you like a different type of toast with your eggs?”

“No.” I calmly replied as a gathered my belongings and stood up. “No, I would not.” 



The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes! 


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