With midterm elections coming up I’ve been thinking: I’m not sold on democracy. I’m not saying dictatorship is a better option, but democracy may have run its course. America has gone from casual partier to the country that the rest of the UN murmurs about, saying, “did you hear what they did the last election?” I mean look at what we’ve done to ourselves. We’re like the people on HGTV shows who do their own renovations, and then three-quarters of the way through realize they messed up big time and hope they are white, middle class, and Canadian enough that HGTV will swoop in and come to the rescue like Superman. But the thing about this election is that we can’t all rely on Canada to save us. There are too many of us, and the immigration center will be saying sorry from now until the end times. Since everyone’s favorite renegade Oompa Loompa got elected, this may happen sooner rather than later. Might I add that if you watch Charlie and The Chocolate Factory really closely you can see Donald Trump trying to build a wall around the chocolate, but I digress.

The reason that we are in this situation and the reason someone needs to tell democracy it’s too drunk to drive is that we, the electorate, are too dumb to vote. I am not talking just about the people who voted for the bombastic billionaire who represents the worst in all of us, including our urge to watch a reality show about what happens when the cast of the Jersey Shore wins the White House, but also the people who voted for a Secretary of State whose inner truth seems to have been shredded in some emails long lost, only to be found on a hard drive in Russia; or an elderly man, whose older sibling obviously got bigger pieces of the pie for far too long and has never let go. I think the reason we let this happen is that America has let itself get too dumb. Some people think we hate the TPP, while others think those people are against traditional Native American homes.

Think back to the average male in your graduating class. His favorite movie was probably Transformers 7 (which should have been called Shia Labeouf, Hot Girl, Robot Explosions 17) and his most life-changing read was Derek Jeter’s Wikipedia. He helps choose who gets to be President, and we expect him to make a logical and well-informed decision. It’s almost like in Little League when everyone got to hit. I was fat and didn’t care; I did not practice or, to be honest, even exercise. I would have been a terrific team statistician, but nobody asked. And because I did not care or work at it, my team was worse every time I played. At least, that’s what my coach told me, many times. Also, my teammates and my mother. But what I’m saying is that most of the electorate does not practice, so why should they get to hit? Democracy is not Little League. Nobody died when I struck out a lot because I was thinking about doughnuts and Mary Kate Jansen, and sometimes a combination of the two–a combo I called Mary Doughnuts Jansen. What many people don’t realize is that with every vote people’s lives are put in danger. If I strike out in Little League, Brendan may not have a great story to tell his kids; If I vote like a moron, Michael may not be allowed to have them.

I have heard a presidential candidate defend the Constitution and the holy Second Amendment, which descends from the sacred word in Leviticus 3:17 which says, “Keep your guns because the Jews will try to take them. Don’t let them.” Young people think the country owes them, and older people think that young people should hear the story of how they walked 5 miles uphill to the coal factory only to get black lung and have to do the same thing the next day. I don’t think that most millennials could point out Denmark on a map, unless it was the one that sold recreational weed, but now they all want to be governed by it.

Once a upon a time in a great nation, people were able to vote between two candidates who had debates over what policy was best for America. Now, we spend more time talking about which candidate has bigger hands, and why @gmail.com is not the most prestigious email address one can own. I personally think that it would have been a bigger scandal if we found out Hillary still had a roadrunner email account because she still would have been in blatant disregard but at the same time, she might think that the roadrunner would poll well because of the fondness for the cartoon character. What I want to say is this: The world is ending. We’re dumb. We opened up a renovation, had no idea the wiring was from 1776, and we messed it all up. Hopefully, HGTV comes through, and we can see the Property Brothers up close and personal, or we better all pick our favorite Scandinavian country.


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