Top 5 Bird Poops on my Car
By
April 22, 2015

After multiple heated discussions with my editor*, this many-paragraphed opinion piece has been boiled down to its essentials. Here are the top five bird poops on my car.

5) THE FAMILIAR:

1

Pretty much your classic bird poop. Center of the roof on my 2013 Kia Rio (still under warranty). This poop has a recognizable shape and an unoriginal trajectory. However, it stands alone as the sole poop on top of my Rio, and for that it makes this list.

Sidenote: is the sheer amount of bird poop on my 2013 Kia Rio a coincidence?!

2

Um, I think not.

Anyway, moving on.

4) THE QUICK:

3

Clearly this bird was in motion. Maybe it was the leader of its flock. It is so exciting to know a little about the life of a bird.

3) THE UNEXPLAINABLE:

4

This is either the work of one slow-flying bird or a bird gang. It is fun to imagine both of these scenarios, and therefore this poop makes the top three.

2) THE JOKESTER:

5

Wow. Pooping right next to the “objects in mirror are closer than they appear” message?! WHAT A FUNNY BIRD.

1) THE ARTIST:

6

Clearly humor puts you in the top two, but it is creativity that gets you that number one spot. This bird had to have seen cave paintings before it let loose; how else could you explain this clear depiction of a dancing tribesman and his burning fire?

7

Way to go, bird. Way to go.

Honorable Mention:

8

While the consistency of this b.p. is notable, it is on the rear window of my car along with literally tens of other poops. At the end of the day, awards are for the bold.

*My editor and I extend our apologies to Barista Krystal at the Glendale Americana Starbucks. We didn’t mean to shout that much.

 

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


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